Tag Archives: Apocalypse Daily

Election Results: grow-up soon


The Crafter cult took initiative at yesterday’s tumultuous election speech and have brought forward a proposal for deal with the ‘children’ problem.


Rabid murders of children run rampant all over Sporyn; there’s a murder of particularly vicious soccer boys ages ten and under known to burrow underneath restaurants then claw their way up through the floors, robbing cult members taken by surprise; and another tiny group causing massive amounts of mayhem makes friendship bracelets out of the hair of their victims.

At first, as I watched these little kids scaling up decrepit skyscraper walls with their talon-like nails, I thought, more power to them, this apocalyptic age freed up everyone from familial constraints. They were scavenging and stealing just like the rest of us, even if they had no interest in joining any cult at all.
But then, these kids started luring in their victims to their death, through pretending to be sick, or injured, or setting one with eyeballs in cute places to beg for food, and when someone gives in to their whimpering cries, the others attack. (Luring victims, of course, isn’t unheard of, in fact, the Grafts have a monthly meeting where they bet on the best traps to set for your enemies and whoever catches the most on their hit-list wins)

These kids will no longer get a free pass from Sporyn justice. After this election, the age of adulthood is now five years old.
Go get a real job you freeloading soccer creeps.

Community Calendar: Compare Mutations

WHEN: 13th solar flare, goes util some starts a fist fight

WHERE: Annie’s oil drum

WHAT: Compare mutations.
Is the fact your hair turned into strings of curly metal the coolest? [IT SURE IS]
Think you’re a real hot shot for having that extra toe sticking out of your elbow? [YOU BET]
Are your scales flashier then all the rest of the half-fish mutated people out there? [SHOW IT OFF]

Annie is a Graft member with a documented kill count of twenty-eight people per month. What a cool gal. She’s even fashioned little aviator sunglasses for all her sets of eyes over her body. You’ll never know which set is looking at you. I presume she’s set up this Community event because she thinks it’s a competition she’s already won, but it’ll still be fun to go out for some lighthearted judgment as you, your neighbours, friends and enemies all critique each other’s entire bodies!
This will be a Graft heavy event, as the only way to enter the cult it to look as far from that one Sears advertisement of a modern man; with their bodies all soaked in radioactive sewer residue, they have enough insane mutations for all of us.

The pink scales I’ve got covering up half of my face may pale in comparison tomorrow, but it’s still heartening to remember none of us would be acceptable humans if the apocalypse hadn’t ensued.


Community Calendar: dinner or death

WHEN: Fifth solar flare

WHERE: That really weirdly shaped rock – you know the one

WHAT: Dinner or Death?
Will those dandelions flashing like neon yellow strobe lights melt your eyeballs or taste fantastic on a light summer salad? Does that tree bark just appear to be infused with uranium or shall it turn out to make a great late night snack?
If these are the kinds of questions that keep you up at night as you chew the marrow out of a rat bone, this is an event for you!

Join Sandra as she wins the ‘Greater Good’ award, snatching up vegetation to test if it’s edible for the rest of us.
Sandra is an esteemed member of the Crafter Cult, who allegedly lived with a PHD in horticulture before the apocalypse, endlessly hindered by the formality of science protocol from eating the plants in her lab, which was always her one true desire.

Election Results: time for time


In an unprecedented event of compromise, an insane war was avoided when Crafter’s, Grafts, and the Nihilists reached a consensus on the need for time in Sporyn.


Time, of course has been a tricky construct to enforce since the sun rises and sets at random, uncalculable, intervals, with solar storms continuously raging; sometimes burning blisteringly bright for what feels like days, while at other times rising then immediately plunging us back into darkness three times in a row. However, since more and more people are finding themselves assimilated into the Cults of Sporyn, it’s gotten hard to coordinate any sort of meet up larger then four people.

In true Nihilistic fashion, the Nihilists (myself included) predictably did not want any way to measure our lives or anyone else’s. We argued that the inability to tell people when to meet up in massive numbers helped keep the city peaceful, since war cannot be waged without organizing troops based timing, and all conflict can be kept to wholesome one-on-one fights to the death.

The Crafters were all for creating a new way to standardize their lives, as well as everyone else’s. They agreed with us Nihilists for the most part about needing to keep peace, and offered to draw up plans for some for of police force, which thankfully was immediately shut down.

The Grafts could be persuaded either way, but felt time would be beneficial if they wanted to construct some kind of military parade one day.

A compromised was reached – there will be a reliable way to measure time, but you only have to pay attention to it if you want.

Events will be planned based on solar flares!

Since there are always solar storms no matter how long the sun is up for, tell your friends to meet you at when a certain number of solar flares transpire. That way, only the people attached to the plan have to pay attention to the flares, and anyone opposed to time can go on living as normal as possible.

Professional Complaining – AKA election time

Got a grip? We’ve got an audience.

The apocalypse may have eradicated suburbs, streetlights, waterways, all wheelie chairs, and the concept of Tuesdays, but it did not eviscerate our innate desire to have someone yell about life qualms, while everyone else waits to scream in support of a statement they agree with – This is called Voting.

Oddly enough, this is as non-partisan as the Cults of Sporyn get.
Collective memories of what ‘politics’ were before the great incident of human idiocy (which wiped out a whole tax-bracket of people who considered themselves above death for stringing up sentences like “ethically frugal public-funding”) couldn’t recall much that politics actually helped near the end. Having Cults take out the need for those self-righteous Parties. A distillation of what people actually liked about the whole system turned out to already be a favoured past-time of sentient Sporyn residents; giving speeches about whatever’s going on in their head at any given time.

So we made it a community event.
Sometimes it actually cumulates in something getting changed!
REMEMBER: Topics of this Soapbox screaming time have been already narrowed down by the Crafter’s since those over-organized road kill scrapbookers love micromanaging the rest of us.

1. What to do about the excess children.
Since no one has claimed responsibility of the wild, parentless kids running around Sporyn, and their crying and complaining and entitlement to others finding clothes and shelter for them is getting a little distressing, what do you think should be done about it?

2. Pros and Cons of standardized time.
As no more clocks exist, and day and nights never last for predictable intervals anymore, we’ve been going without measurements of time for the last little while and managing it pretty well!
If you want it back, state your case!

3. The Accountants are pissing us off.
(This problem is particularly dear to my heart)
Those stuck-up apocalypse deniers are just gonna keep going off acting like the old world didn’t get destroyed, judging the rest of us with those blank stares and old world shakes of their heads while they pretend to get promoted at their steady corporate jobs?!
Are we really gonna stand for that?

If you have any thoughts on any of these issues at all, come to the speech ceremony!
Through anger, you too have the power to incrementally improve the City of Sporyn.


We’ve all been there, you know, thinking you’re the last person left alive on the planet.
My self-esteem sure took a hit when I stumbled out of the wastelands and onto the city of Sporyn. So maybe the revelation that you’re not alone anymore has been a hard drop for you, especially if you were really riding the high of being Earth’s lone survivor. Trust me,  that euphoric wasteland confidence can still be acquired through other means.
Try joining a cult!
Fostering a sense of community is still important in our civilizationless universe, apparently, and picking the right cult is paramount to enjoying your time till the Earth is finally sucked into the sun. I’ve compiled a pro and con list for the most prominent cults in my neighborhood – hope it helps

  • Nihilists  : Easy to live if you don’t care how you die!
    Relaxed anarchists. Terrible cooks. Nomadic scavengers of the city. 
    Pro: Best bands and craziest parties
    Con: Worst commitment issues
    Pro: Everyone shares anything they can afford
    Con: Strictest dress codes
    Pro: Fewest membership rules: Unlike some pretentious cults, the Nihilists are known for taking in anyone regardless of limb count, life expectancy, what percent of your body is metal, how often you talk about Game of Thrones unprompted, or age. As long as you uphold our nonchalant, secretly afraid of change attitude, you’re welcome in
    Con: Most likely to abduct people in the name of having a good time
    Pro: No real leader, so there’s no one bossing you around
  • Crafter’s : Cult comforts
    Soccer moms of the apocalypse. Hipster cafes sell body parts.
    Pro: Filled with innovative inventors, scrapbooker’s, and small business owners
    Con: Immensely judgmental of other’s outside their cult, will impose any opinion they have on any subject as the final word
    Pro: Mostly likely to fabricate a new economy
    Con: Most likely to fabricate a new economy
    Pro: Tight-knit community, although everyone has to live in the exact same area, and everyone has to stitch the cult sigil into their skin
    Con: If you ask one of them on a date and they reject you, you must immediately fight to the death
    Pro: Will teach children trade skills
  • Grafts : Till there’s no humanity left
    Bionic jerks. Cunning schemers. Fanboys of immortality.
    Pro: Easily the most organized regime; strictest hierarchy and enforced chain of command
    Con: Let’s be honest, pretty much everything about their personalities is a turn-off- a relationship with a can opener would be more emotionally fulfilling
    They blame humans for the destruction of the planet (fair enough) and their glorious solution is surgically altering their bodies to become as un-human as possible; ripping off limbs to replace them with machinery, drinking tap water in hopes it’ll mutate their bodies and allow them to become immortal
    Unfortunatly, they frequently get violent with the rest of us for not joining their cult of metal machoism, and have recently declared themselves city police  – Sporyn’s finest
    Pro: The world could re-end before they get anymore superior ideas
    There are other groups populating this polluted city; The Accountants, the Admin of Tree’s and so forth. You’ll run into them all soon enough.
    I like things how they are, maybe you’ll learn to like it too. 

    ~ Fysh