If my 2018 were a person, I think she’d be a girl. She understands me, and she pushes me in ways not most men can, she pmss aggressively. I think she’d make a cute Amber.
If Amber walked by me somewhere in the city, I’d stop everything I’d be doing, cancel all my plans, and I’d beg her to let me buy her coffee, or cake, or a vegan burger, or sushi, anything she wants. She’s been THE MOST IMPORTANT person to me since . . . ever. If I ever get to sit infront of Amber here’s what I would say . . .
You were not easy.
Oh yeah by the way in case you forgot, I’m Jade, I know you’re super busy and you’re leaving for something soon, I just wanted to say some things before you did. I know you’re just doing your job and minding your own business, so I don’t mean much to you, but to me, you’re kinda unforgettable.
I’ve cried so much because of you, more than any three years in my life combined. You did not go easy on me at all. When I felt like I couldn’t possibly hurt more, when things could not have gone any more wrong, you added insecurity, anxiety, and then, more hurt. Amber, you hurt me in ways I didn’t know I could.
Oh, I should probably say that I don’t hate you. I get that this probably didn’t start super comforting for you. I probably could have started with I like your hat. Oh, your boots are cute too!
Anyways, I don’t hate you, actually, you’re the best person in my life. You hurt me so much, but that’s only because you gave me so much to love. You didn’t just push me in ways I could break down; you also pushed me in ways I could jump over the moon, be happy, and love.
Amber, you have introduced me to some ridiculously amazing people, who will forever have a place in my heart. You introduced me to my first love, I thought Harold did that last year, man, did you show me. You’ve introduced me to people who challenge me ALL THE TIME, people who care enough about me to tell me no when I need it. These people, man, I’m a better person because of them, not because they’re great all the time, but because sometimes they suck, and I have to be patient, and pull more out of myself. Some of them are RIDICULOUSLY wise too.
Amber you were confusing, you pushed me one way, and slapped me into another, and then when I started to get my footing in that new direction, you’d slap me backwards; over, and over, and OVER again.
You taught me a lot about myself. You taught me that I don’t know more than I do know; that I essentially don’t have anything figured out. I learned that everything I used to want before you (to teach, security, predictability), I don’t need. You introduced me to parts of myself I didn’t know existed; wants and desires I didn’t know I had.
Gosh, does THAT come with a new universe of challenges, oh and of course anxiety.
Since meeting you I have never felt more uncomfortable with the world.
Don’t get antsy!
Actually I’m glad, grateful too.
I’ve never known myself more.
Amber, thank you for breaking me. You rubbed my face into my cracks, and that was unbelievably hard; but you also showed me parts of myself that I didn’t know mattered.
Amber I’ll say it again, you’re the most important person to me, and I just want to say thank you.
I’m meeting 2019 soon, no offense, but I hope she’s better than you.
I know you’re itching to leave, but before you do I just have to say, you are one hell of a wingwoman.