Tag Archives: Posiel

Week 6- Process Post

What audience have you imagined thus far? How has that imagined audience informed your design and editorial decisions

I have imagined that my audiences range from age 18-30, all genders who have a great interest in how others live their life, and perhaps what to change the way they live at the moment. I hope that they take everything I say with a grain of salt, yet still, pick up key factors. I designed my blog around the idea of simplicity and brightness, a few on how we should live life; simply but filled with joy and sunshine. After imaging my audience, I should incorporate a bit more of sophistication given my audience may be a bit older as well.

Week: 5- Process Post

A website I frequent often is Pinterest. I spend so many hours scrolling through Pinterest- pinning articles and photos from recipes to my dream wedding colours. For the amount of time, I spend on Pinterest I haven’t closely looked at the element and thought about its design. Here is the link of the home page after logging in, https://www.pinterest.ca/. Let’s see what we have here,

The central colour scheme is red, white a grey. Which according to https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesstylefile/2013/09/09/stylish-color-combo-grey-and-red/#25a181ff6bbb,  go well together in all senses. After looking at their choice of colours I do understand and appreciate the colour choices. When you first log in you see their logo, (which is a P), then moving towards the right, the search bar, and the following categories, ‘home’, ‘following’, ‘username,’ ‘messages’ ‘notifications,’ and ‘settings.’ It is straightforward to navigate which opens up to a much broader audience of older and younger people. In the center of the page, it shows different links to things I would like; it caters to each person in its unique way. For example, I am in the process of moving, so my home page featured, links to decorating and space maximization.





If I could change anything, I would like to see more follow through with the links posted on Pinterest because soemtime you click on a link, and it takes you to a dead end place. Other than a few technical issues I like Pinterest and everything it offers, and I have yet to see something similar take off as well as it has.

Week: 4- process post; How would you spend your last day with internet.

If I only had one hour of internet left forever, I would ask Google any burning questions I had. I would ask the most obscure questions that without the internet I could never find the answers to myself. Celebrity birthdays, what year the toaster was invented, what a pack of kangaroos are called, the crazier, the better. Then after the half-hour mark, I think I would do one final message to all my family and friends who live far away and let them know I am not ‘ghosting them’ and if they need to get in touch where I will be.

according to wikipedia, The collective noun for kangaroos is a mob, troop, or court. Huh? the more you know.

rule no. 5

Learn to accept apologies you will never receive. 

“Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” – Charlotte Bronte. 

All my life I have been stubborn as a bull, most of my family say I get it from my grandmother who has passed away. I never had a chance to meet her, but I have been told I have her eyes, and well her stubbornness. When I have an idea in my head there is no chance I’m letting it go; it is both my best and my worst quality. Growing up on the playground if someone wronged me by ‘budging the line’ or picking a fight with me I was always the last one to say I was wrong and apologize. 

That particular trait followed me up to high school, where I would get into fights with friends, and I would harbour such anger and resentment with me. I remember one particular match I had with an old friend; he decided to turn into an entirely new person throughout the summer, someone who partook in drugs and someone who I did not recognize in a good way. We had a massive argument,  things were said, and both of us held this massive grudge between our relationship for a year. That was the worst year of my life. It physically affected me; I felt heavy for a full year it was the worst birthday and Christmas of my life was during that year. I didn’t understand why I felt so badly, in my head I knew I was not in the wrong, he was throwing his life away and did not see it. One summer day after one full year of not talking, and if we did not speak it would just be either yelling or passive-aggressive text messages. I decided enough was enough and called him when he picked up I immediately apologized for acting like a child, but it all came from a place of love for him. After I finished my speech, he hung up the phone. 

Strangely as soon as I said thos little words ‘i’m sorry,’ it felt as if a weight was lifted from my chest… as if I have been drowning for 12 months and now I could breathe again.  Even though he never to this day has apologized for the hurtful things he has said and done to me, I walk the streets filled with no resentment or grudges towards him. That is the greatest gift he could have ever given to me. 

In life you have to learn to accept apologies that you may never receive, I don’t think I will ever get an apology from him, and I am okay with that, the weight has been lifted off me, and I hope one day he can be freed as well. I will always keep my stubbornness with me in life, but there comes the point where the cons outway the pros and you have to give it up, or you will die trying.

This photo really stands out to me about letting go, imagine the fog being the grudges you hold. You just have to let go and it will all eventually float away and you will be free again.

Peer Review #2; ‘D Blog’

‘D Blog’ is a fascinating blog that displays artwork around the world in different cultures at its finest. Denny is a very talent creator, he speaks so passionately about art, it is very refreshing. 

Denny has taken his blog to the next level; you can tell that art is a passion of his. His blog speaks wonders of his travels and the art he has seen across the world, and it is fascinating to see how different yet the same as it is no matter the country. I enjoyed his blog post titled “Vallea Lumina,” I loved the way he captured the colours and lights with his words. If there were no photos attached, I still could have imagined it with his colourful verbiage. The images add so much though, looking at it as a spectator there could not have been more perfect photographs in place. I enjoyed how this article tied in some of his personal life as well, as we learn he went to Whistler with some friends for a getaway.

As for the general aesthetic of his blog, I think it’s beautiful, and he has it laid out in an accessible format, the whole way the blog is structured makes it very comfortable to use. The ‘about’ page is short and sweet, everything you need to know about him, plus I like how he added his email so his viewers could get in touch. One thing that stood out for me was the use of images he chose to use per post. I liked the variety used, some cartoons and others real photos, the range of them stood out and made every post especially different. On the right-hand side below the search bar, he has categories for each of his posts, which I found very useful for navigational purposes. I noticed if you scroll to the bottom of his page you can see his social media, which I found to add that extra step for his viewers and to make it easy and accessible for them to keep updated with him and his life.

Overall I think Denny has done a fantastic job with his blog so far; I had a hard time coming up with things that Denny could improve on. If I have to choose something maybe to add a few more personal touches, and perhaps a homepage photo? I would also love to see some more colour, he could add a personal touch by adding in his favourite colour as the header background, just a thought. I never used to be a big fan of art, I never called myself an artistic person, but after reviewing and looking at Denny’s blog, it indeed has changed my mind. The way he describes art make me have a better appreciation. Keep up the excellent work Denny!

I look forward to your next entry.

http://dennygu.com/

The Power of Data Trails

Prior to this course, I only thought of data trails as data given to me from people by tracking engagements on my website. I never thought about how I also contribute to others’ data analytics. I’m on the computer all the time and I never realized I was feeding companies with information about myself. That’s kind of scary. I remember talking about how ads are curated to each person in lecture and I find that amazing, but creepy. Especially how ads show up depending on what you search, but they can also show up if you just talk about something in person. I feel like if I get to learn the algorithm behind it I would be somewhat scared to use the internet so I’m better off not knowing how it works exactly.

I do not try to avoid getting tracked by these programs just because everywhere I go (on the web) they ask me for my information. Information that seems harmless like my name and my e-mail. After listening to Suzanne’s Amazon experience, I honestly had no idea data trails include card payments. Now I’m wondering, where does the card information go to. With all the information companies are receiving about us daily, the fear of having one of those company’s systems hacked becomes greater.

Process Post 8 (Analytics)

Our online activity plays an important role for many businesses in terms of understanding their audience and the activity of users online. For this week’s process post, we were to discuss analytics and some of the pros and cons of collected data.

According to the business dictionary, analytics “often involves studying past historical data to research potential trends, to analyze the effects of certain decisions or events, or to evaluate the performance of a given tool or scenario.”. Understanding analytics can be key in improving one’s business or site and to confirm whether or not certain elements of your work actually have an impact on users. It is quite interesting to be able to track your audience’s activity and be able to make any necessary changes in order to create a desired objective or message. According to Hugo Moreno from Forbes, the concept of analytics is no longer just a nice option, but the core of the enterprise; they drive an enterprise and the formation of a strategy. The fact that technology has progressed to allow us to view, analyze, and dissect the analytics and data of our work and be able to alter our decisions based on this information is something quite profound for our time.

Although analytics is proven to be helpful, there can also me downfalls. Things that I find to be of a challenge would come from the creator and publisher’s side, but also as a user. As a publisher, such as myself, looking at analytics can sometimes be of a burden and diverting my attention to actually enjoying the work I put in. People may resort to unethical decisions just so they can improve their analytics or social profile, but disregard anything important about their own mental health. Take for example Instagram, by constantly viewing the analytics of a personal profile, the worry of what to post and when to post becomes more important than the actual enjoyment and freedom of the social media platform.

When does it become something for your own pleasure versus something only for the sake of others?

In addition, from a user’s perspective, knowing that websites (Facebook anyone??) can record and track your data may also be worrisome. How do we know what is being tracked and where our information is going? For large companies like Facebook, I tend to wonder parts of my online activity is being tracked and if I would want my activity to be tracked in the first place for monetization purposes. Are we really free to do what we please online? Or, is our every move just crucial sets of data for large companies to record and sell? Analytics has its pros and cons – I would argue that, especially in today’s technological age, that it is very important for us to understand what happens with our data online and when it can be of use and when we should take precautions.

Essay 1: Social Media is Capitalistic, Not Democratic

On February 2014, Facebook introduced an update called the real name policy (Bivens, 2017). This introduction increased gender identifications from 2 to 58 (Bivens, 2017). As an attempt of inclusivity, Facebook is perceived to be giving a democratic response to a growing concern of minorities in online spaces. More users can now choose who they identify themselves as without compromising their self-identity. However, after the policy has been implemented, many queer and LGBTQ members reported that they can no longer access their profile because their names do not fit with their supposed identity (Bivens, 2017). Facebook may be giving power to its queer users, but I argue that’s not the case. I argue that social media is capitalistic, not democratic. LGBTQ users’ names and genders are to fit in the heteronormative standard in order for marketers and the state to keep track of its citizens through surveillance and protection (MacAulay & Moldes, 2016). Non-binary users are always recoded back to the binary system, exposing the inauthentic gesture of Facebook as inclusive and democratic (Bivens, 2017). LGBTQ users’ fluid and changing experiences cannot be truly represented online. Thus, hindering their entrepreneurial pursuits and community building (Lingel & Golub, 2015).

On Facebook’s Help Center, there is a section that acknowledges names on Facebook (Facebook, 2018). Aside from the things to keep in mind, the standards specify that the name should appear on and ID or part of their ID document list (Facebook, 2018). This means that an expected first and last name must be created for the user. This may not necessarily reflect on queer identities and that already causes conflicts. 

The PEW Research conducted a survey on 1197 self-identified LGBT adults 18 years or older asking about their online use (PEW, 2013). Eighty percent of respondents use sites such as Facebook and Twitter, but the survey shows prohibiting behaviours online (PEW, 2013). Fifty six percent of surveyors said that they have not revealed their sexual identities online, and 83% do not regularly discuss LGBT issues online (PEW, 2013). LGBT groups experience different treatment in these online spaces, but still continue to use it. With Facebook’s real name policy, there was an attempt to be inclusive. Facebook is now in support of these minorities, and empowering them through their profiles. But as seen in MacAulay & Moldes, Bivens, and Lingel & Golub’s works, Facebook is driven by capitalistic notions, disguising their authentic gestures to mask its market driven responses.

MacAulay & Moldes acknowledges that Facebook uses the real name policy to justify legal precedents and cite harmful actions towards others such as harassment, impersonation and trolling (2016). While these seem legitimate concerns, they find that they’re less interested in protecting them rather than making the users ‘transparent to the market and the state’ (MacAulay & Moldes, 2016). A key concept they identify stemming from queer theory is normativity (or heteronormativity). This is described as a regulatory system that naturalizes sex and gender (MacAulay & Moldes, 2016). This process of normativity means that agents and groups take the effort to impose and force individuals to fit into existing systems to keep order or regulate easier. Heteronormativity then entails that binary systems (male and female) are the correct and only way to follow due to economic and legal precedents. This means that anyone who deviates from it are not ‘performing correctly’ (MacAulay & Moldes, 2016). Data collection is another issue that they bring up because this forces users who actively avoid as part of Facebook’s marketer aggregation. They have to choose between binary choices that will not fit them, and that can result in their accounts being banned or ultimately not use the service anymore. A democratic practice in social media will allow any individual to self-express and create within their own public spaces, but the notion of heteronormativity does not give that space to queer users. It simply favours what funds the company running the service. They also cite the increase of market shares that occurred in 2014 after the real name policy was introduced. Market shares in 2011 decreased to 19.82 USD after reports of fake users on Facebook surfaced and after the real name policy was implemented, the shares rose to 78.02 USD in December 2014 (MacAulay & Moldes, 2016). The theory of normativity serves as a great interest to what can be marketed and how that affects minorities who want to use Facebook. And these experiences continue to exist.

Bivens examined Facebook’s gender coding system and found that when coding the genders, females were assigned 1, males were assigned 2, and the ‘undefined’ were assigned 0 (2017). This undefined category has been the standard for coding non-binary genders and how that allows Facebook to include so many gender options. On one hand, the number 0 allows for the existence of non-binaries, but does not exactly fit into the binary code (Bivens, 2017). Bivens found that later updates to the code see that newly assigned genders and their code will default to the undefined because the codes were not established since creating it (2017). The 56 additional genders are now, in the back end, defaulted to 0 even if it is given a defined gender (Bivens, 2017). This allowed Facebook to easily aggregate data that can be sent to marketers who are only interested in the binary genders (Bivens, 2017). The nuances and multiple gender identities have been devolved to 0 and continuously will not receive the technological support on Facebook. These regulations are masked as authenticity, and it does not seem democratic. Rather, it forces its users into shaping to what is acceptable online and what numbers can be easily assigned to them so that it can be quickly shared and sold online. 

It does not support the lives and work of other members of the community too. Drag users are greatly affected by restricting user information flexibility to fit with their fluid and changing personalities to continuously be entertaining drag queens (Lingel & Golub, 2015). Online identity work has become an extension of their own work, and that continuity allows them to stay connected with their fans and fellow queens. It supports them in a capitalistic sense that allows them to advertise their shows and market their identities, but it does not allow multiple identities (Lingel & Golub, 2015). This, again, falls into the notion of normativity where they are forced into one trackable identity. Facebook acknowledges an inclusivity of users, but does not acknowledge multiple and fluid online identities (Lingel & Golub, 2015). Instead, it advocates a unifying and unitary profile (Lingel & Golub, 2015). While drags do not represent the majority of the LGBTQ community, these collective experiences contribute to a shared, limited, and constrained online experience that does not allow the desired expectation to freely express themselves. Rather, they have to fit the normative mold to appease Facebook’s marketers and regulators. The real name policy is just another example in online social spaces that operates to generate revenue. Facebook acts for money, not for its users.

Reference

Bivens, R. (2017). The gender binary will not be deprogrammed: Ten years of coding gender on Facebook. New Media & Society, 19(6), 880–898. https://doi-org.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/10.1177/1461444815621527.

Facebook (2018). What names are allowed on Facebook? Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/help/112146705538576?helpref=faq_content.

Lingel, J., & Golub, A. (2015). In Face on Facebook: Brooklyn’s Drag Community and Sociotechnical Practices of Online Communication: IN FACE ON FACEBOOK. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 20(5), 536-553.

MacAulay, M., & Moldes, M. (2016). Queen don’t compute: Reading and casting shade on Facebook’s real names policy. Critical Studies in Media Communication, 33(1), 6-22.

PEW Research Center (2013, June 13). A survey of LGBT Americans: LGBT adults online. Retrieved from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/06/13/a-survey-of-lgbt-americans/.

Mini Assignment 4: Remix Something!

Hi, my girlfriend took a really cute interaction of 2 dogs. We both love a Shiba Inu so this is extra great to me. She did her own edit to it, but I wanted to make my own remix to it. This is my mood for how aggressive all this productivity is to me. I chose the biggest looming figure over me that’s intimidating me. It’s not the smartphones that I’m writing about. It’s this:

yup.

My Transmedia Strategy | Week 10

Before knowing the “transmedia”, I was already critically aware of the importance of having not just a cohesive online brand, but one that cross-promoted itself. Before starting djalexrose.com (and still now), Instagram was my primary social media platform. I had always promoted my Soundcloud using the business website function and by posting previews of songs, however, now the connection is deeper. My Instagram and Snapchats focus primarily on “story” function engagement with polls, event promotions, and exclusive media.

My Facebook and Twitter are both quite neglected, being automated to post content whenever I upload to Youtube and Soundcloud. I’ve heard from colleagues that Facebook has a much stronger ROI on advertisements than Instagram (which I recently tried) so I’ll be investing more into that platform soon. As of now, neither one has exclusive content.

Soundcloud has shifted to have only my best musical content. From originals to bootlegs to remixes, Soundcloud houses all the tracks that make it Spotify and ones that can’t clear copyright but are still strong releases. It also includes links to all my other social media platforms.

Youtube is the king of my content strategy. It’s home to weekly vlogs, 30-80 minute mixes, exclusive mashups, and much more. As you can see, djalexrose.com remains a focal point being included in my banner.

The final service I’ll mention is ArtistUnion, a download-gate service that exchanges downloads of your music for specified actions. In my case, I require my audience follows my Soundcloud and like and reposts the song they wish to download.

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Insights from my Google Analytics | Week 9

Let’s start off with my User Overview. We will look at my data since the website’s inception in January, including February 20 – March 10th whose data was lost due to a tracking code issue. My traffic is relatively low and consistent. According to 21 Handshake, my type of site has an average bounce rate of 70-90%. Compared to this benchmark, my bounce rate is very good at 38.44%, however, my low amount of users makes most of my analytics insubstantial. The biggest thing I’ve taken from this section is to remove my Youtube videos from my site as session durations are too short for them to be relevant.

Next up: some technology-related data. Most of my users are in the Apple ecosystem and use Google Chrome like myself. Not much to say here other than I may consider implementing an Apple Music widget as well, seeing as my music is hosted there as well as Spotify.

Now for geography. The website follows my Instagram and Soundcloud analytics in that I am predominantly popular in the United States and Canada. Interestingly, the website maintains my popularity from Spotify which is concentrated in Latin America, especially Chile and Brazil. This is most likely due to name confusion with Latin artist Alex Rose (the reason my name is spelt “alex rose”).

How about discovery? Well, there’s a pretty even split between Direct, Social, and Referral here. Most of my social traffic comes from Instagram (my primary social media for engaging my audience) and I’ve also seen a lot of traffic from my peers’ websites referring users to me. I should continue focusing on my Instagram as a traffic source and expand my collaboration to ensure more referrals. Finally, I plan to improve my SEO to see my organic search improve.

 Finally, pageviews broke down by page. No surprise that my homepage would have the most traffic. It’s also comforting to see that my shows page, where my audience can purchase tickets and RSVP to events, is second most popular. Shows are a growing form of revenue for me so this is a welcome insight. Unfortunately, my blog doesn’t appear to get much attention. Most of my blog content can be found directly on my Youtube, but moving forward I plan to have exclusive blog content focused on SEO friendly tutorial content.

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Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (Part 2)

It’s Wednesday, which means your resident beleaguered barista is back again with another post. But today also happens to be Valentine’s Day, so I just wanted to wish a happy love day to all the singles, couples, trios, etc. out there. May your days be great and your hearts be full. And if love’s not your thing, today is also the 89th anniversary of the 1929 St. Valentine’s Day massacre. So, uh, there’s that going for you.

For those of you just joining in, this is the second part of the Kristophur saga (read Part I here). It’s going to be another long one, and you’ll probably have to strap in and grab some more chocolate, or maybe some holy water to throw at your screen.

Episode IV: A New Low

It’s Christmas, and Kris’s present to me and my coworkers is to grace us with his presence. I guess Santa thought we all deserved a lump of coal that year. Given that we’re one of the only coffee shops to be open on Christmas, the store is horrifically busy when he enters, which means the chances of a short interaction have just vanished from existence.

As I’m making his drink, he leans over the counter, intent on chatting us up. I put my head down to work, hoping that my lack of eye contact will be taken as a signal that I do not want to talk. Rather than take the hint, Kris asks a general question.

“Are you gals doing any ho-ho-ho-ing today?”

I know. On digital paper, it doesn’t seem that gross. Some of you might be sitting there wondering why I’m so mad. Let me tell you why. Kris wasn’t asking us if we were celebrating Christmas. If you add in the perverted inflection and the disgusting eyebrow waggle he gave us, what he really meant by that question was something sexual, and something that made my skin crawl.

(If you don’t know what he meant, I’ll spell out for you: he’s asking us if we’re engaging in any sexual activities AND implying that we’re hoes.)

A) Any sexual activity we engage in is NONE OF HIS BEESWAX (I mean, we didn’t, but that’s beside the point)

B) Slut-shaming is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard of. If someone has properly consented to sex and happens to like having it with different partners, then good on them. If that’s what they enjoy, then who gives a damn? They’re out living their best life. Are you? Or are you busy being stupidly judgemental over someone else’s life and policing what they do with their body?

C) EW.

He leaves after we tell him: “No, we’re just working today.”

Episode V: The Mocha Dick Strikes Back

One morning, Kris walks in, a leering smile plastered on his face, and eyes lit up with mischief. Already, I’m on edge. It’s too early for him to start with his particular brand of disgustingness, and I am not caffeinated enough to deal with him.

Unfortunately, my manager is watching me, and I cannot be anything by overly nice to him as he approaches my cash register. I greet him and ask him what I can get him for that day.

He says: “You know what I want.”

I do, but I do not want to give him the satisfaction of him knowing that I know his drink by heart.

“Sorry,” I say. “You’ll have to remind me.”

He rattles off his drink, a little annoyed that he has to actually order. As I’m going off to make his drink, I (stupidly) attempt to make conversation with him.

“It’s nice outside today,” I muse.
“It’s nicer inside,” he says, looking pointedly at me. “In fact, it’s beautiful, I’d say”
“Yeah, it’s warmer inside, but the weather is beautiful,” I reply, oblivious.
“I wasn’t talking about the weather,” he says. He pushes his glasses up higher onto the bridge of his nose, and he’s biting his lip as he stares at me.

I am grossed out and panic. “I was,” I say.

The conversation dies real fast after that. When he grabs his drink, he leaves silently, and I think (hope) it’s the last time I will see him.

I was wrong.

Episode VI: Return of the Mocha Dick

During a rush, Kris is chit-chatting with Bunny at her cash register. What they talk about, I’m not sure, but as I’m walking by them to place a drink on the bar, I overhear this absolutely horrific question exit his mouth: “do you like pussies? Cuz I do.”

Bunny looks at me, and I do a quick double-take. Did he seriously just ask her that? Yes. Yes, this incredibly perverted asshat did.

If y’all are confused. He. Wasn’t. Referring. To. Cats.

Again, the perverted inflection and disgusting lecherous grin on his face was a dead giveaway for what he was actually referring to.

At this point, we would have been happy if Kris got some of the treatment the burglars did in Home Alone.

Exhibit A)

Exhibit B)

 

Episode VII: The Mocha Dick Awakens

Last week, Kris hits the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. As Bunny is cleaning part of the store, he joins her at the stand where all the milk and sugar is kept and touches her without her consent.

He feels her neck and caresses her hair, and makes her completely and irrevocably uncomfortable and unsafe. To top it all off, before he puts his hands on her, he says: “Don’t worry, my hands are clean.”

Uhm. No. Nope. No, they are not you fricken sleazebag. They are disgusting hands and you have just sexually harassed a girl in plain view of everyone.

It’s upsetting to hear about, especially since Bunny is usually the unshakeable one at work. But that day, she was visibly affected by the incident and went home in shock.

A couple of days later, my brilliant coworker Miranda (who you’ll be hearing more about in the future because she is a bad-ass), confronts Kris as he walks into the store. She calls attention to his unacceptable behaviour (aka his non-consensual grope of Bunny) and asks that he apologize for his actions.

Rather than admit to his mistake, Kris takes the coward’s way out. He states that he didn’t know and that he thought it was okay since Bunny did not say anything to him. He says he didn’t mean anything bad by it.

Well, honey. The road to hell is paved with “good” intentions.

A few days later, he came in and begrudgingly apologized, repeating his earlier statements of no-harm-intended and general lack of knowledge. Though it was overall unsatisfactory, it was a step.

Just so you know, we’ll be monitoring Kris from now on. If he escalates or repeats his behaviour again, we’re probably going to call HR on his stupid ass. And then we’ll never have to see him again. Which, I think would be a brilliant victory.

So that concludes Mocha Dick’s saga for now. Let’s just hope it stays that way.

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Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (PART 1)

Happy Sunday y’all.

This week, I introduce you to Kristophur: The Mocha Dick. I’m going to be splitting up the saga of his patronage at my café into two parts. Part one will cover his aggressive and asshat behaviour, while part two will tell the tale of his inappropriate sexual advances. Fun stuff, I know.

Fair warning to you though.  This might be a long one. So, sit down, grab some chocolate (and maybe find some emotional zen) because this customer is probably going to make you mad – or, at least, mildly annoyed.

But before I start, here is a FUN FACT for y’all: Mocha Dick (see the title of this post) is an actual thing. It happens to be the name of the sperm whale that Herman Melville’s well-known book, Moby Dick, is based on; this massive whale terrorized the Pacific Ocean during the early 19th century.

Anyway, Kristophur buys mochas AND he’s a colossal dick. Hence, mocha dick. Let’s get started.

For those of you who’ve been reading, Kristophur is very similar to Mykel. They both suck any semblance of joy, hope, and happiness from the air just by walking into the store. Ergo: another dementor.

So what does this terror look like? Imagine a corpulent Elmer Fudd, minus the charming desire to hunt wabbits and the endearing speech impediment. Add in thick-set glasses, an obnoxiously red hoodie that never seems to get washed, and a disgustingly leering smile.

Behold! The glory that is Kristophur.

Episode I: The Mocha menace

The first time I meet Kris, it also happens to be my first time working as a barista. It’s the middle of a morning rush when he walks in and says: “Are you new? I have never seen you before in life.”
“Yes,” I reply. “It’s my first day.”
To which he says (more like shouts/demands): “I’m getting my regular drink.”

Let’s stop there first. Given that he is obviously a regular and has never seen me before PLUS, has confirmed that I am new to the store, why would he expect me to know his drink? WHY? I don’t know what his drink is at this point. I’M NEW.

Kris releases a frustrated sigh of discontent and then proceeds to rattle off his drink.

“I get a large, decaf, nonfat, no foam, no whip, mocha.”

As I’m fumbling to write down the order and ring it in, he chimes in again: “make sure you remember it for next time. You should know it. I come in a lot. Also, it’s decaf. Don’t you dare make it caffeinated.”

I nod, hand the drink to the barista making drinks, and pray to heavens that I never have to see him again.

No such luck there.

Episode II: ATTACK OF THE KRISTOPHUR

The second time I see Kris, I have worked a total of seven days at my café and still have no idea how to make drinks. Unfortunately for me, he walks in, orders his drink, and I’m tasked with the gift (see: curse) of having to make that monstrosity.

The problem is, the cup literally has KRIS written on it. There is no indication as to what the drink is. His royal corpulence walks up to me at the end of the bar and leans over to ask me loudly if I have remembered his drink yet.

I have not.

He gets visibly angry that I have not done so, despite these facts:
a) I am still new
b) I have a life outside of work – it involves school, getting yelled at by my mother, watching British documentaries, procrastinating and a whole lot of NOT BEING A BARISTA.
c) See how the above fact does NOT include memorizing asshat customers and their weird drinks?

Finally, after a disappointed sigh, he takes pity on me and tells me his drink again. What he fails to do is inform me that he does not want any foam on his “coffee.” So I make the drink he has told me to make, but with foam.

He goes apoplectic.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He explodes. He then looks over at my manager and gestures to me.

“Can you do something about this? This is unacceptable. Just unbelievable.”

I’m standing there, pitcher in my hand and bewilderment in my heart.

“What did I do wrong?” I ask him. He scoffs and just rolls his eyes.

My manager takes one look at him and then glances at the drink that I have managed to produce.

“Oh, you gave him foam. He didn’t want any.”

Great. Thanks for that heads up. Thanks so so much. I remake the drink and hand it off to him.

He takes it and then tells my manager this before he leaves: “You know, she’s not very smart, is she? Got a lot to learn, she does.”

EPISODE III: Revenge of the MOCHA DICK:

Over the next couple of months, I have limited interaction with Kris. Which turn out to be some of the best months of my time as a barista.

Then, one miserable day, he comes in and destroys all that joy and happiness in an instant.

The moment Kris walks in, I cannot help but stand at attention.
The red hoodie, his signature top of choice, acted as a warning sign of impending doom from the other side of the parking lot. Kind of like Princess Leia when she encounters Governor Tarkin. Minus the presence of a young Harrison Ford.

Princess Leia saying: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Immediately, Kris comments on the number of people that are working.

“Wow, Sapphire (my manager), must be slacking. There are so many of you working. Weird.”

Yes, Kris. Completely weird that people must work to earn a living. What a concept. I definitely don’t have bills and tuition to pay, groceries to buy, money to save for a house I won’t ever be able to buy because of the economy. Yup. No need to work here at all. Cue the intense eye rolls. (Also if y’all did not pick up on that sarcasm… I can’t help you.)

Anyhow, moving on. Kris orders and receives his drink with little to no problems. It is when he attempts (keyword being attempt) to put the lid on his cup that he encounters trouble. For some reason, his sausage fingers are unable to deftly place the plastic lid on top of the cup, and he ends up spilling his drink across the bar.

Rather than apologize for making a mess, he looks at me and informs me loudly that I have made him spill his drink.

Excuse me? I’ve been behind his giant stone counter for the last five minutes. Also, I did not hold a weapon to your head and demand you spill your stupid drink across the counter. I did not MAKE you do anything!

Rather than say any of that to him, I tell him that I will make him a new drink.

“You better. You’re the one that spilled it.”

Again, I choose to stay silent; I bite my tongue.  I proceed to make him his drink and hope that he leaves. INSTEAD, this asshat has the audacity to slam open the door to our back room, locate my manager who is doing admin work there, and shouts at her that I have spilled his drink and need to clean up the mess I made, and then leaves.

Just. Nope. I hope this man steps on some legos. Barefoot. And then falls on them. Or just disappears off the face of the planet.

Upcoming:

So that’s it for this (very long) post. Catch the second part of Kristophur’s epic journey up on Wednesday at 9:30pm.

Hope y’all have as good a Monday as you can,

T.

The post Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (PART 1) appeared first on Beleaguered Barista.