Tag Archives: Dementors

Mal-Kum the Dangerous Weirdo

It’s Sunday and y’all know the deal. Another customer exposé, hot off the presses, here for you.

You might want to strap in and buckle up for this one.

Bob from Bob's Burgers saying "buckle it up" as he buckles his seat belt in the car.

An Introduction:

Now, Mal-Kum has been a customer at my store for as long as I have been working there. (He’s probably been a regular for longer, but who really knows?) He’s a multi-visit kind of guy – he comes at least twice a day, every day – once in the morning and once in the evening. He also sits in most of the time. His visits can span between five minutes and eight hours.

When I first started, I thought Mal-Kum was an alright guy. Awkward, yes, but I thought that might have been my fault. I’m awkward as frick and still have trouble with small-talk these days. But over the last few weeks, I have realized that Mal-Kum is weird, pompous, and may, possibly, be dangerous.

Mal-Kum orders, without fail, a medium chai latte and a slice of banana bread in the mornings, followed by multiple chai lattes at night. When I say multiple, I mean more than three. This guy once bought five chai lattes in one sitting. And before you ask, no, he did not finish them. He often drinks things until they are half full, and then orders another because it is no longer at optimal drinking temperature.

You know what he said when I asked him why he bought so many?

“When money is no object, you can just spend as much as you want.”

Alright, Mr. Rich Guy.  Most of us don’t have that privilege, but GoOd FoR yOu.

*cue intense eye roll*

Mal-Kum has also been caught trying to recruit some of my male coworkers for the armed forces. I don’t know why he does it, considering he works as a security guard, but given that most of the male baristas at my store are pacifists and relatively peaceful guys, it doesn’t make sense for him to do so.

See? Weird.

The First Signs of Trouble:

Mal-Kum has this tendency to stick his card where it doesn’t belong. While I’m grabbing his pastry and preparing his drink, he will stick it in the slot located at the top of my cash register. At first, I thought it was helpful. The card would be ready for me to swipe when I got back from gathering everything. But over the years, this habit has gotten a little unnerving. Nobody else does it. And nobody looks as smug as Mal-Kum does.

It’s annoying now. Just why? Why. Hand the card over like a normal person man.

In for a Penny, out for a Pound:

Normally, Mal-Kum and I don’t really talk. I usually ask him a generic question about his weekend, he will reply that he is working 12-hour days and that his 4-day weekend is coming up, and then he will leave.
Last week, Mal-Kum strayed from our typical line of conversation.

It was both weird and terrible.

The conversation began normally. I asked him whether he had begun his weekend yet, and he answered with a negative. THEN, he launched into a tirade of how terrible my job must be and how shitty my pay is. He MAN-splained my situation to me …

I mean, both of those are true. BUT, it’s the principle of the matter. The only person that can call this job shitty is me. And my co-workers. And other baristas. Mal-Kum needs to hush it. He’s never worked in customer service, and he has expressed a deep desire to never do so.

Since he knows nothing about customer service, he needs to stop talking as if he does.

He’s told my coworkers that he makes roughly $4,000 on a bi-weekly basis. That’s great for him. But we know we make minimum wage. He doesn’t need to rub it in.

The Review:

Mal-Kum has also written a review of our coffee shop on the internet. Some of us managed to find it and you best believe it was circulated real fast amongst us.

Let me tell you what was in this review. Mal-Kum explained that he had been a long-time customer at our store, had enjoyed the service there, but then experienced something strange.

He claimed that one night, my coworker Bunny and an ex-coworker Wilson had slipped something nefarious into his drink.

I mean, nobody actually did anything. And nobody pretended like they did anything either. So why he made such a hullabaloo about it in-store and online is something we will never understand.

You might say…. it’s inconcievable.

INCONCEIVABLE (from the Princess Bride)

The Instagram Life:

The weirdest part about Mal-Kum is his Instagram page. Now, granted, none of my coworkers follow him on this particular social media site, but we do look at it.

It’s really interesting. And if I could guarantee that Mal-Kum wouldn’t know, I would name drop his instagram SO Y’ALL COULD CHECK IT OUT. But alas, I still need my job.

Anyway, Mal-Kum is the type of person that separates words so that they are their #own #separate #hashtags. He is also the type of person that has his own photographer to follow him around, posts videos of himself brushing his teeth in a rather vigorous manner, and demonstrates a level of weird that is unmatched in the world.

He cuts his own hair every Thursday people. And they’re not good haircuts. He also has a photo of himself scaling a fence to stick his head up and peer over it. And calls this moment one that allows him to #think #outside #the #box.

It’s… uh. It’s definitely a moment.

He has footage of himself flicking open a rather dangerous and large switch-blade out in public, and has sat in our store with the weapon proudly on display. He is as smug about his knife as some Americans are about the Second Amendment. Let me tell you, it is NOT a pretty look.

His rationale? He needs to be prepared. If any day could be your last, then one must be prepared. I guess it makes sense if you think coffee shops are places of immediate danger.  He’s ARMED and he’s dangerous.

man grabs head with two hands - holds temples out of sheer exasperation

Anyway, he recently took a picture of our store and wrote an extensive post that explained why opening a coffee shop is a smart investment (which, I will give him, it is), and why he refuses to follow the business plan that our store follows. In the post, he cites those reasons being the #stupid customers, the shitty pay, and the #retarded baristas. He also calls my job a #shitty #ass #job.

Now, I don’t know about you, but someone calling you retarded? That’s offensive. My coworker Bunny commented on his post, asking him to explain what he meant by the “retarded” hashtag.

He meant the “coffee shop employees, who cause workplace dramas [. Employees] who backsta[b] other employees behind their backs, [and] who purposefully make other employees look bad in order to deflect their own mistakes and to lift themselves up in front other fellow baristas and managers.”

I think Mal-Kum needs to look up the definition of retarded again because he definitely does not have it down.

We’re currently in the process of trying to get him banned from the store.

I will let you know if that ends up ever happening.

Have a great week y’all,


The post Mal-Kum the Dangerous Weirdo appeared first on Beleaguered Barista.

Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (Part 2)

It’s Wednesday, which means your resident beleaguered barista is back again with another post. But today also happens to be Valentine’s Day, so I just wanted to wish a happy love day to all the singles, couples, trios, etc. out there. May your days be great and your hearts be full. And if love’s not your thing, today is also the 89th anniversary of the 1929 St. Valentine’s Day massacre. So, uh, there’s that going for you.

For those of you just joining in, this is the second part of the Kristophur saga (read Part I here). It’s going to be another long one, and you’ll probably have to strap in and grab some more chocolate, or maybe some holy water to throw at your screen.

Episode IV: A New Low

It’s Christmas, and Kris’s present to me and my coworkers is to grace us with his presence. I guess Santa thought we all deserved a lump of coal that year. Given that we’re one of the only coffee shops to be open on Christmas, the store is horrifically busy when he enters, which means the chances of a short interaction have just vanished from existence.

As I’m making his drink, he leans over the counter, intent on chatting us up. I put my head down to work, hoping that my lack of eye contact will be taken as a signal that I do not want to talk. Rather than take the hint, Kris asks a general question.

“Are you gals doing any ho-ho-ho-ing today?”

I know. On digital paper, it doesn’t seem that gross. Some of you might be sitting there wondering why I’m so mad. Let me tell you why. Kris wasn’t asking us if we were celebrating Christmas. If you add in the perverted inflection and the disgusting eyebrow waggle he gave us, what he really meant by that question was something sexual, and something that made my skin crawl.

(If you don’t know what he meant, I’ll spell out for you: he’s asking us if we’re engaging in any sexual activities AND implying that we’re hoes.)

A) Any sexual activity we engage in is NONE OF HIS BEESWAX (I mean, we didn’t, but that’s beside the point)

B) Slut-shaming is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard of. If someone has properly consented to sex and happens to like having it with different partners, then good on them. If that’s what they enjoy, then who gives a damn? They’re out living their best life. Are you? Or are you busy being stupidly judgemental over someone else’s life and policing what they do with their body?

C) EW.

He leaves after we tell him: “No, we’re just working today.”

Episode V: The Mocha Dick Strikes Back

One morning, Kris walks in, a leering smile plastered on his face, and eyes lit up with mischief. Already, I’m on edge. It’s too early for him to start with his particular brand of disgustingness, and I am not caffeinated enough to deal with him.

Unfortunately, my manager is watching me, and I cannot be anything by overly nice to him as he approaches my cash register. I greet him and ask him what I can get him for that day.

He says: “You know what I want.”

I do, but I do not want to give him the satisfaction of him knowing that I know his drink by heart.

“Sorry,” I say. “You’ll have to remind me.”

He rattles off his drink, a little annoyed that he has to actually order. As I’m going off to make his drink, I (stupidly) attempt to make conversation with him.

“It’s nice outside today,” I muse.
“It’s nicer inside,” he says, looking pointedly at me. “In fact, it’s beautiful, I’d say”
“Yeah, it’s warmer inside, but the weather is beautiful,” I reply, oblivious.
“I wasn’t talking about the weather,” he says. He pushes his glasses up higher onto the bridge of his nose, and he’s biting his lip as he stares at me.

I am grossed out and panic. “I was,” I say.

The conversation dies real fast after that. When he grabs his drink, he leaves silently, and I think (hope) it’s the last time I will see him.

I was wrong.

Episode VI: Return of the Mocha Dick

During a rush, Kris is chit-chatting with Bunny at her cash register. What they talk about, I’m not sure, but as I’m walking by them to place a drink on the bar, I overhear this absolutely horrific question exit his mouth: “do you like pussies? Cuz I do.”

Bunny looks at me, and I do a quick double-take. Did he seriously just ask her that? Yes. Yes, this incredibly perverted asshat did.

If y’all are confused. He. Wasn’t. Referring. To. Cats.

Again, the perverted inflection and disgusting lecherous grin on his face was a dead giveaway for what he was actually referring to.

At this point, we would have been happy if Kris got some of the treatment the burglars did in Home Alone.

Exhibit A)

Exhibit B)


Episode VII: The Mocha Dick Awakens

Last week, Kris hits the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. As Bunny is cleaning part of the store, he joins her at the stand where all the milk and sugar is kept and touches her without her consent.

He feels her neck and caresses her hair, and makes her completely and irrevocably uncomfortable and unsafe. To top it all off, before he puts his hands on her, he says: “Don’t worry, my hands are clean.”

Uhm. No. Nope. No, they are not you fricken sleazebag. They are disgusting hands and you have just sexually harassed a girl in plain view of everyone.

It’s upsetting to hear about, especially since Bunny is usually the unshakeable one at work. But that day, she was visibly affected by the incident and went home in shock.

A couple of days later, my brilliant coworker Miranda (who you’ll be hearing more about in the future because she is a bad-ass), confronts Kris as he walks into the store. She calls attention to his unacceptable behaviour (aka his non-consensual grope of Bunny) and asks that he apologize for his actions.

Rather than admit to his mistake, Kris takes the coward’s way out. He states that he didn’t know and that he thought it was okay since Bunny did not say anything to him. He says he didn’t mean anything bad by it.

Well, honey. The road to hell is paved with “good” intentions.

A few days later, he came in and begrudgingly apologized, repeating his earlier statements of no-harm-intended and general lack of knowledge. Though it was overall unsatisfactory, it was a step.

Just so you know, we’ll be monitoring Kris from now on. If he escalates or repeats his behaviour again, we’re probably going to call HR on his stupid ass. And then we’ll never have to see him again. Which, I think would be a brilliant victory.

So that concludes Mocha Dick’s saga for now. Let’s just hope it stays that way.

The post Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (Part 2) appeared first on Beleaguered Barista.

Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (PART 1)

Happy Sunday y’all.

This week, I introduce you to Kristophur: The Mocha Dick. I’m going to be splitting up the saga of his patronage at my café into two parts. Part one will cover his aggressive and asshat behaviour, while part two will tell the tale of his inappropriate sexual advances. Fun stuff, I know.

Fair warning to you though.  This might be a long one. So, sit down, grab some chocolate (and maybe find some emotional zen) because this customer is probably going to make you mad – or, at least, mildly annoyed.

But before I start, here is a FUN FACT for y’all: Mocha Dick (see the title of this post) is an actual thing. It happens to be the name of the sperm whale that Herman Melville’s well-known book, Moby Dick, is based on; this massive whale terrorized the Pacific Ocean during the early 19th century.

Anyway, Kristophur buys mochas AND he’s a colossal dick. Hence, mocha dick. Let’s get started.

For those of you who’ve been reading, Kristophur is very similar to Mykel. They both suck any semblance of joy, hope, and happiness from the air just by walking into the store. Ergo: another dementor.

So what does this terror look like? Imagine a corpulent Elmer Fudd, minus the charming desire to hunt wabbits and the endearing speech impediment. Add in thick-set glasses, an obnoxiously red hoodie that never seems to get washed, and a disgustingly leering smile.

Behold! The glory that is Kristophur.

Episode I: The Mocha menace

The first time I meet Kris, it also happens to be my first time working as a barista. It’s the middle of a morning rush when he walks in and says: “Are you new? I have never seen you before in life.”
“Yes,” I reply. “It’s my first day.”
To which he says (more like shouts/demands): “I’m getting my regular drink.”

Let’s stop there first. Given that he is obviously a regular and has never seen me before PLUS, has confirmed that I am new to the store, why would he expect me to know his drink? WHY? I don’t know what his drink is at this point. I’M NEW.

Kris releases a frustrated sigh of discontent and then proceeds to rattle off his drink.

“I get a large, decaf, nonfat, no foam, no whip, mocha.”

As I’m fumbling to write down the order and ring it in, he chimes in again: “make sure you remember it for next time. You should know it. I come in a lot. Also, it’s decaf. Don’t you dare make it caffeinated.”

I nod, hand the drink to the barista making drinks, and pray to heavens that I never have to see him again.

No such luck there.


The second time I see Kris, I have worked a total of seven days at my café and still have no idea how to make drinks. Unfortunately for me, he walks in, orders his drink, and I’m tasked with the gift (see: curse) of having to make that monstrosity.

The problem is, the cup literally has KRIS written on it. There is no indication as to what the drink is. His royal corpulence walks up to me at the end of the bar and leans over to ask me loudly if I have remembered his drink yet.

I have not.

He gets visibly angry that I have not done so, despite these facts:
a) I am still new
b) I have a life outside of work – it involves school, getting yelled at by my mother, watching British documentaries, procrastinating and a whole lot of NOT BEING A BARISTA.
c) See how the above fact does NOT include memorizing asshat customers and their weird drinks?

Finally, after a disappointed sigh, he takes pity on me and tells me his drink again. What he fails to do is inform me that he does not want any foam on his “coffee.” So I make the drink he has told me to make, but with foam.

He goes apoplectic.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He explodes. He then looks over at my manager and gestures to me.

“Can you do something about this? This is unacceptable. Just unbelievable.”

I’m standing there, pitcher in my hand and bewilderment in my heart.

“What did I do wrong?” I ask him. He scoffs and just rolls his eyes.

My manager takes one look at him and then glances at the drink that I have managed to produce.

“Oh, you gave him foam. He didn’t want any.”

Great. Thanks for that heads up. Thanks so so much. I remake the drink and hand it off to him.

He takes it and then tells my manager this before he leaves: “You know, she’s not very smart, is she? Got a lot to learn, she does.”


Over the next couple of months, I have limited interaction with Kris. Which turn out to be some of the best months of my time as a barista.

Then, one miserable day, he comes in and destroys all that joy and happiness in an instant.

The moment Kris walks in, I cannot help but stand at attention.
The red hoodie, his signature top of choice, acted as a warning sign of impending doom from the other side of the parking lot. Kind of like Princess Leia when she encounters Governor Tarkin. Minus the presence of a young Harrison Ford.

Princess Leia saying: I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Immediately, Kris comments on the number of people that are working.

“Wow, Sapphire (my manager), must be slacking. There are so many of you working. Weird.”

Yes, Kris. Completely weird that people must work to earn a living. What a concept. I definitely don’t have bills and tuition to pay, groceries to buy, money to save for a house I won’t ever be able to buy because of the economy. Yup. No need to work here at all. Cue the intense eye rolls. (Also if y’all did not pick up on that sarcasm… I can’t help you.)

Anyhow, moving on. Kris orders and receives his drink with little to no problems. It is when he attempts (keyword being attempt) to put the lid on his cup that he encounters trouble. For some reason, his sausage fingers are unable to deftly place the plastic lid on top of the cup, and he ends up spilling his drink across the bar.

Rather than apologize for making a mess, he looks at me and informs me loudly that I have made him spill his drink.

Excuse me? I’ve been behind his giant stone counter for the last five minutes. Also, I did not hold a weapon to your head and demand you spill your stupid drink across the counter. I did not MAKE you do anything!

Rather than say any of that to him, I tell him that I will make him a new drink.

“You better. You’re the one that spilled it.”

Again, I choose to stay silent; I bite my tongue.  I proceed to make him his drink and hope that he leaves. INSTEAD, this asshat has the audacity to slam open the door to our back room, locate my manager who is doing admin work there, and shouts at her that I have spilled his drink and need to clean up the mess I made, and then leaves.

Just. Nope. I hope this man steps on some legos. Barefoot. And then falls on them. Or just disappears off the face of the planet.


So that’s it for this (very long) post. Catch the second part of Kristophur’s epic journey up on Wednesday at 9:30pm.

Hope y’all have as good a Monday as you can,


The post Kristophur: The Mocha Dick (PART 1) appeared first on Beleaguered Barista.