Dear reader,
The content below discusses implied self-harm.
One of the most challenging things I’ve done is recognizing when a relationship isn’t working and knowing when to leave. I want to talk about some of the experiences I’ve had when I know that a relationship is bad for me, and how I came to that conclusion.
Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of conversations about bad friendships or relationships and what they would look like. The idea I had of any toxic relationships was very black and white: the other person would appear to be an obvious villain, and I would just know when to leave. In reality, my relationships have been much more nuanced. The longer I’ve known someone, the more I can justify their presence in my life. Of course, when a person has hurt me or hurt my boundaries, the justification applied nonetheless.
This was the case with a friend in high school. I remember back then, I had very little sense of how to set my emotional boundaries. I would let them unabashedly tell me their feelings and their traumas at any time. I thought this was a good thing, but increasingly, these feelings held a lot of weight. I was proud that they trusted me so much to let me see them as their most vulnerable self. But I also felt solely responsible for their well-being. I would place their mental health before mine. I would lose sleep over wondering if they would hurt themselves.
Gradually, I began to feel like I needed space and would tell them this. I would say I was taking a break from social media while checking my messages to see if they hadn’t dropped massive texts venting to me. Although they would give me space, they would make me feel guilty about needing it. And more importantly, they didn’t listen to me. When I would try to tell them about my feelings and how one-sided our relationship was, they would make me feel like they understood by writing me grand letters of appreciation. I stayed because I knew their feelings were genuine.
I wish I could tell myself then that you could care about someone and still hurt them.
I saw these posts about gaslighting on Tumblr and I began to scroll through them. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to relate to them because my relationship was surely not that bad. But this person had consistently undermined my feelings and made me feel as though I had misremembered an interaction, which are key signs of gaslighting. Their apologies were empty. Emotionally, I felt like I had a lot of highs and lows with them. I realized that I was dreading every interaction with this person.
I knew it was time to end it.
For me, this meant cutting all contact and writing a long letter to them explaining fully why they had hurt me and why I was leaving. I felt like I had to justify my feelings to them because of how close we had been. I didn’t give them any way to respond. Afterward, I spoke with some friends about what happened. I felt so immensely guilty about doing this that I physically felt sick. My friends supported me, and listened to me. Their support comparably cemented my thoughts that I hadn’t been listened to.
What I’ve learned from this experience and similar experiences is this: all involved parties in a relationship should feel, relatively, like they are sharing the same emotional weight with each other, and that they can rely on each other. One person shouldn’t be relying on another person to put out their fires exclusively, though there may be times when they’ll need more support. In my relationships, my factors for when to leave have been these two things: are they willing to recognize when they’ve hurt me? Are they trying to change? I’ve asked myself if I’ve just stayed in a relationship because it was easier to not rock my social circle with ending the relationship than to leave. If your justification is more about other people than your ability to enjoy your relationship, leaving may be long overdue.
Your factors for leaving a relationship may look different. Learning your boundaries and when you need a break from emotionally tough moments is about intuition. I had, and still have, so much difficulty articulating when I need space because I feel so guilty when I do. What’s important is that you and the other person are both respectful of these moments. If a person consistently disrespects these moments and boundaries, and you feel like leaving, leave.
If you’re doubting yourself, I would strongly consider talking to another person you trust. Sometimes having a conversation about your doubts with another person can make you realize how harmful your situation really is. I find that I downplay a lot of my experiences, so having another perspective is helpful.
If that’s not possible, I would suggest either writing down your feelings or recording yourself as though you were speaking to the person that has hurt you. This has always helped me put my thoughts in order, and to get through the haze of guilt I feel about leaving a relationship.
There are no 1:1 experiences when it comes to knowing when a relationship isn’t serving you. It may take years to realize that you’ve been hurt. Just know that your feelings are never wrong. You should always be able to communicate your doubts and work through them.
Love,
Kelly