I spent a lot of time chastising myself for feeling the wrong way.
“This is ridiculous, you’re overreacting.”
“You said, it was okay, so you really have no reason to be upset.”
“You’re not getting anything done feeling this way, grow up and act like a fucking adult.”
The voices in my head are not very kind. I imagine, it’s that way for a scary number of people. Lately, I’ve been really trying to grin through some tough times and be okay. And sometimes, I am. I can laugh and enjoy being around people and feel good about myself, but that doesn’t last, and when those feelings drop into self-loathing, insecurity, depression and anxiety, I have a lot of trouble being kind to myself for switching off. If I was fine yesterday, I should be fine today.
I think I’m starting to come to terms about how unrealistic that is. I put on a brave face while talking myself down all the time, but I’m starting to think that’s not so healthy.Well, I know it’s not healthy, but I think I might try doing something about it.
I also feel guilty, because this blog has had a lot of negativity to it lately, and I feel like that gives off the wrong impression of who I am, or that I’m looking for attention or people to check on me. I put my feelings out there because I know I can connect with other people. Having something resonate to someone in a deep way is a huge deal for me. And if it’s negative? I must continue to tell myself “so what?”, hard though it may be to hear. I’m in a bad place, maybe other people who are also in a bad place can find comfort in that. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to anymore.
It’s hard this time of year because there’s a lot to be done. School, work, Christmas, but I think acknowledging my pain, and almost embracing it, might be the only way to get through it all.
I’m not okay, so I guess maybe I’ll stop saying I am.
I try to keep the tone of my blog posts light. I have a sense of humour and I can see how different situations can be funny, how I can spin them and make them something positive or quirky. This is easy, most of the time, because I feel that the things that happen to me are amusing, or charming, or at least the kind of tragic that makes people groan and say “me too!”
I can’ really do that right now. I feel like the more I try to stay upbeat the worse the world knocks me down. I used to love school. I used to love my job. I used to feel safe and secure and that I knew you and I knew where I stood. I don’t anymore. I can’t bring myself to laugh right now.
I hate seeing my friends feel this way too. It’s not fair. They make this world too hard for us.
I’m feeling very stuck. Usually when I’m sad, or down, I’ve been able to put pen to paper, so to speak, and write my feelings away. Every time I sit down to write, though, I seem to draw up a blank. Or I write pages and pages of nonsense that won’t serve anyone to read. Therapeutic for me to get out, perhaps, but I think it might have people far too concerned for my sanity than they need to be.
So here I sit, thinking about all the things I would say if I could, what I would talk about. I’d talk about how I’m not very happy right now. I’m feeling stuck in my writing, but I think it’s because I’m stuck in my life. I feel like at this moment there is no room for any forward motion for me right now, and that is not a state that I enjoy being in. I’m a planner, I like to work toward goals, have plans of action, have dreams. I feel like those have come to a halt for the moment and my body, my brain, which are conditioned to be moving forward have stopped like feet in freshly poured cement.
There’s an end to some of this, there has to be or I would entirely lose my mind. I’ve figured out what I have the power to change and have taken action to change them. That just needs time. A few months and that part of my life will be moving again.
Some parts won’t though. Some parts will probably be up in the air for a very long time. I’m not sure how long I can manage to make that work without cracking. Most of the time it seems beyond worth it. What’s a matter of a couple of years in the grand scheme of life? Won’t I look back on this time and remember how silly and small I felt, and be so glad that I waited? But another part of me, the part that wins over on sad grey days like this one, make me think that there may never be a conclusion. I don’t know how to deal with this but I do know that it’s far too soon to make any kind of decision yet, so here I sit, my brain a flurry of strange and scary and exciting and wonderful thoughts, and nothing to channel this energy into.
There’s no right answer. I get a lot of disapproving stares and words of concern. I get support and knowing nods. But they don’t know. They aren’t there for every whispered secret, every slow dance, every small act of kindness. They don’t see how nobody else has ever known me so well.
I just want to fly above my life for a little bit. It’s too much for me right now.
A follow up to the popular March 2017 post: “What I’ve learned using Tinder for two weeks”. Basically, just putting down in writing how jaded and grumpy I’ve become. Just kidding. No, not kidding at all.
I’ve downloaded and deleted Tinder like 10 times since I first got it, and it has definitely lost its appeal. I guess all love fades with time, and so too did my romance with the well-known dating app.
I’ve met some cool people on Tinder. I’ve met more people who seemed cool and then weren’t at all. Now, I just swipe aimlessly when I’m bored and then accidentally ignore everyone who messages me. It’s a very fulfilling practice that I will probably continue next time I re-download. In the meantime, enjoy some less optimistic observations about my time on Tinder.
1. People suck and the internet is garbage.
Might as well start with a reality check. The internet is full of horrible people and I seem to have come across most of them.
2. When you see a friend on Tinder and they don’t match with you, you’ll be gripped with an existential crisis of epic proportions.
Do they think I’m disgusting? Do they think I’ll take it the wrong way? Am I not cool enough to have “haha we matched on Tinder but shouldn’t actually date” witty banter? Are they just worried I’ll blog about it? Too bad, blogging about it anyway.
3. Sometimes Tinder makes a nice ice-breaker for real life, or shall we say, old fashioned, connections.
4. “Hannah!” is not an adequate pick-up line. Neither are active cliches like “if you could pick one ____ in the world to ____, what would it be?”
5. If people say they are “not” something… they usually are that thing.
6. You will get a lot more matches if you have a picture of yourself in a bathing suit.
Which brings me to my final point…
7. People suck and the internet is garbage.
That, or I’m just bored. Hey world, surprise me or something!
Everyone likes the party friend. They’re always ready to hang out and will dismiss sleep, work and responsibility in order to get down with you. They’re the one screaming at you to do shots, introducing you to hot people, and generally trying to bust you out of your shell. This friend is great because they’ll get you out of your pajamas, out of the house, and maybe even get you to have a great time. Negatives are that you’ve carried them home on your shoulders more times than you would like to count, and they tend to disappear on particularly messy nights.
2. The Older, Wiser One
This friend has seen some shit. They’re there to watch you try, fail, and fall flat on your face, but you better believe they will coach you through your pain better than anyone else you know. They’ll step right in when the moment is right, and offer you sage advice that would never occur to your young little brain. Most of their stories start with: “Something like that happened to me once…”
3. The Long Distance Bestie
This friend will be your best friend whether they’re 3 or 3 000 kilometres away. When you actually get around to messaging one another, it usually includes: [I misssssss you ♥♥♥] or similar iterations, but you know you’re both very busy and important people and both of your hearts are in it. When this person comes to visit, everything else SHUTS DOWN and they become your life. This friend is not great to drunk text at midnight when you are in different time zones, but is handy to have around when you need a couch to crash on in varying cities!
4. The Younger One
It’s very important to keep a younger friend around to:
keep you hip to the newest slang
show you cool memes
remind you that you are an adult and you can’t drink 9 Hey Y’alls and feel okay the next day
make you feel very wise and intelligent (for you are their Older, Wiser Friend)
5. The Decades of Friendship Best Pal
Most people only get one True Blue friend like this one. If you’re lucky, you might have two, or even a handful. This friend knows every. embarrassing. story. that could ever be used against you, along with a vast arsenal of photographs that could most certainly dissuade any suitor from ever engaging with you, were it placed in the wrong hands. This person is your best friend. They’ll be there for you no matter what. You’ve probably had massive fights in the past, but you know that making it through stuff like that has only made your friendship stronger and better. This one will be in your life forever, whether you like it or not, so you should probably get used to it.
6. The One That’s Probably Too Cool for You
This friend hangs out with you even though they’re probably too cool for you. You get to go to cool events with them and pretend like you’re on their level. You’re not, and this is obvious, but it’s pretty nice of them to have invited you in the first place. This friend is worldly, well-dressed, and has an impressive vocabulary. You may strive to be like this person, but you probably never will. The Cool Friend is very good for your personal self-image, but they probably just like spending time with you, cause maybe you’re cooler than you think.
As someone who is extremely new to the magical world of modern dating, there are a number of nuances and rules that I have yet to catch up on. Terms like ‘ghosting’, ‘negging’, and variations of different acronyms (hmu is the most confusing, cause those are my initials) have been on my radar before, but never at the forefront of my daily life. This, needless to say, has changed, as my circumstances have, but I still feel like I am playing a game that I do not understand. An analysis of a few of my dating experiences thus far:
Problem 1: Did I ghost him? Did he ghost me? Or are we both just equally apathetic?
I think most people have been there. You go on a first date, and it’s probably a pretty good first date, at least the kind that makes you want to go on a second one. Then somewhere between the first and… I don’t know, fifth dates, it begins to feel like a chore to make plans, text once in a while, and actually have human interactions with this person.
In time, interactions become fewer, further spaced out, and eventually stop. Do you cut your losses? Do you follow up? Do you wait it out until you receive numerous 2am booty calls until you command him to stop?
Answer still unclear, will report back.
Problem 2: How do you let someone down easy without seeming like a total jerk?
There are some really cool people out there, and some of them simply are not the kind of cool that meshes well with my cool. Or rather, that meshes well with my weird. How does one approach these situations without looking like a total spazz who is also really mean?
Don’t: Accidentally ghost them. You won’t be able to sleep for weeks.
Do: Approach them with thoughtful and honest reasons as to why it won’t work out, without over-elaborating or getting into hurtful details.
*This post brought to you by the girl whose friends call her “mom”. Wonder why.
**Gonna try to take my own advice one day probably.
***Just kidding let’s be real.
Problem 3: Why. Why oh why, do they say they want to “keep it casual” and then proceed to cling to you like a bus seat to your butt on a hot day?
This one is baffling. There seems to be a stigma in the millennial culture about relationships, commitment, and what is expected of one when they’ve been on a certain number of dates. The word of choice for self proclaimed modern commitment-phobes is “casual”, which is a word I’ve heard so much it seems to have lost its meaning entirely.
To me, dating someone casually means: going on dates. Getting to know someone. Now, however, it seems to have developed into a kind of code word, for which I haven’t yet managed to find the definition.
The thing I find funny, though, is that it is often those who are most intent on being “casual” that end up being the neediest. Really, it’s okay to be needy (I’m needy as hell, just ask my friends) but it’s kind of sad to be in denial, don’t you think? This has happened to me repeatedly and I can’t quite figure it out, but I think it has something to do with fear of rejection. Not their fault, of course. The world is scary! People can be mean! But vulnerability is fun and interesting and being straightforward and not doing what society proclaims is cool is usually more interesting!
Keep it casual, or don’t, but don’t say one thing and do another. It’s deeply confusing.
Problem 4: Texting sucks.
Scenario 1: It’s 1am. You finally fell asleep and you work early in the morning. Your phone buzzes almost nonstop for 3 straight minutes. It’s two different people asking “u up?” and inviting you to come “hang”. You see? Romance is not dead kids!
Scenario 2: You’ve waited approximately four hundred years. You’ve analyzed your last message 15 times with five different people. You will never receive a reply.
In summary: I quit!
Just kidding. My mom once got mad at me for being too positive. Plus I get bored easily, so it’s nice to have new people to entertain me. More neuroses to follow, I promise! This was but Volume I of many.
Nic and I love food and recently I started watching food videos on Youtube with him before we go to bed. He introduced me to Munchies which is the food segment of Vice and here, we stumbled upon a glorious Canadian man by the name of Matty Matheson.
Toronto Life wrote a cool piece on Matty which you can view here! Born in New Brunswick and runs three restaurants in Toronto, Matty is the epitome of a fucking cool man. He gives no shit, lives life to the fullest and has a potty mouth that is incredible entertaining. With all of that, watching his Munchies videos on Youtube has given me life and appreciation for Canada as a whole like no other. Once a wild party man, Matty suffered a heart attack at the age of 29 and I believe that was an eye opener for him to get his life and cooking career in order.
On Munchies, he has two playlists which are his How-To and Keep It Canada segments. They’re absolutely hilarious, entertaining and well paced. Matty has an insane dose of energy and that energy reflects in each video and of course, the food he makes. What makes me respect and love this man even more is that he made a couple of Lord of The Rings references in a few Keep It Canada videos!!
Here are some of my favourites from both playlists,
It snowed in March!!! Here are some pictures of SFU on a snowy March day.
A very unexpected time for Vancouver’s winter this season as we have seen more snow in over a couple of years. I’m very fortunate enough to experience so much snow in my life ever! Coming from Brunei where it’s just heat and rain, getting the opportunity to live and play in the snow was super fun at the beginning but it slowly became a hassle as commuting between home and campuses became difficult as buses would get stuck in the snow! There were several times where classes were cancelled as buses were not able to drive up to the mountain as road conditions became too slippery and dangerous.
Nonetheless, I still love the snow (only when it’s fluffy and fresh!).
Since reading my 2nd peer review, a lot has changed in my life in relevance to adulting. I lost my glasses which is -1 adult point, but also found a place to live and move out to, which is +4. I got a minor raise at work for my social media use which is +2, but I haven’t been feeling very creative about it which is maybe a -0.5. A lot of changes are about to happen but one thing that has been supremely constant this whole semester, is that I haven’t had any relationship progress. I went on two dates with this guy I’d been seeing before I went travelling in 2016, and the first date was to check in and see where we were at. The second, was me trying to give him a hint that maybe this wasn’t for us. He’s in India right now and hasn’t texted me since that second date so I’m thinking he got the message.
In the mean time, I’m still where I’ve been since I started this whole thing. Serving at the pub, trying to do school work and blowing through a season of the West Wing every week and a half. And pining over my ex. Sort of.
They say never shit where you eat, but apparently I .love shit, because every relationship I’ve ever had has been with someone I’ve worked with. That’s three relationships, and three jobs. The first time he moved away. The second time he quit before we broke up. Now I’m not so lucky. My ex has worked for the group that owns our pub for five years. He’s got a hundred connections in the industry. I’ve worked here for just over a year and although I am moving up and getting my networking done, he’s a million steps ahead. Chances of him quitting any time soon are not likely. So I see him almost everyday, and it’s fine. We get along swimmingly, which is exactly the problem. The reason we broke up isn’t because we didn’t get along. It’s because we weren’t getting it on. Enough for him, in any case. When it first ended I did my whole play the victim thing, “Oh, how could we break up over such a dumb reason”. But the truth is, I hadn’t been feeling too attracted to him towards the end of it and had considered breaking up at times as well. But we were so in sync that I didn’t really want to try.
We’ve hooked up a handful of times since that initial breakup and now it’s been almost 7 months since our last one, but I still stay over at his house from time to time just to crash if I’m working late so I don’t have to take a $60 cab over the Alex Fraser back to where I live. In a month this won’t be an issue anymore because I’ll have moved closer to work than where even he lives, so no more “oh I missed the last train, mind if I crash?” excuses for me. I’m not in love with him. But I feel a lot of affection towards him still and I like being around him. When you work with someone like that, who you think also feels the same way but isn’t going to do anything about it, how are you supposed to move on? There are days when I think about quitting but for the most part I like my job and it’s perk and the $250 tip nights. Recently we had lunch and he talked to me about maybe moving to Toronto to work at the group’s expansion of pubs out there. I told him I didn’t think he should do it for a number of reasons, his schooling, his family, and how he’s told me numerous times he doesn’t want to work in the industry forever. But if he did move, wouldn’t it be easier? Of course I would miss him, but if he left then I wouldn’t have to see him all the time. I wouldn’t feel like I’m constantly torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to laugh this whole thing off. We only dated for six months, and they were great, but six months in is pretty early to not want to be having sex with your partner anymore. Isn’t it?
Regardless, it’s an issue I’m dealing with. Sometimes I tell myself I don’t care but the reality is that I get jealous so easily I can barely function and I need/want his attention all the time. Which I feel like is the equivalent of -100 adult points. So what I’m changing about my blog, for this process post, is it’s image. This isn’t a dating blog. It’s a personal blog. Despite my insistence that that personal blogs are crazy boring, I’ve already turned this into one and so by changing the design, the feel, and a little bit of my life anyway, I’ll steer it towards what it’s been all along. A blog about not-romancing. A blog about me.