Tag Archives: Personal

25 Things to Do Before You Turn 25

(The author on her 25th birthday, lipstick stains and all.)

FINALLY! Another list where someone tells me what I need to do with my life.

Or really, just like, do whatever you want and don’t buy into the idea that there is a right time to do anything.

I turned 25 about a month ago, and it’s pretty much the same. The build up to the birthday was very stressful, though, because of all the things I thought I would have done by this point in my life. Here is a somewhat helpful list of things that you may or may not want to do before you turn 25, or any time really.

1. Move away from your hometown.

This one was huge for me, and it gave me a lot of opportunities to discover myself in ways I don’t think I would have if I’d stayed home. Being away from your comfort zone has an amazing way of reducing your hang ups and letting you get to know yourself in a different way. Would recommend.

2. Fall in love.

I put it in here because it has been very impactful on my life, however, I realize that many people just haven’t had this happen to them or are not interested in romantic love in any sense. I’m very cool with that. But if you’re afraid of getting hurt, and that’s what’s holding you back, dive right in baby! It’s worth it (I think).

3. Do something that terrifies you.

I went to theatre school and that was the scariest thing a human being can do.

4. Eat mac and cheese at 4am with your roommates.

The best chats happen late at night on kitchen floors.

5. Work hard.

You won’t get anywhere if you don’t put a little elbow grease into it.

6. Try new foods.

This is something that only started happening when I moved away from home. Turns out I’m not as picky as I thought I was!

7. Say yes more often.

Unless you don’t want to. Then, DEFINITELY don’t say yes. But if you’re in your pajamas and someone wants to take you for ice cream just say yes, the best plans are spur of the moment.

8. Make new friends.

I was lucky enough to meet a lot of my dearest friends in junior high, but guess what, there are more people out there! I’ve made some really extraordinary friends in the past few years and they have been such a gift to my life.

9. Say bye to negativity.

People, environments, nah, don’t need them, I’ve got enough of that in my own head!

10. Find a hobby you love and DO it.

Hopefully it’s not expensive, but if it is, you’ll make it work!

11. Try to write an excessively long blog post.

Oh I’m already 25 oops. (Was 25 too many to make a list from?)

12. Get a tattoo.

Tattoos are cool.

13. Learn when to put yourself first.

Being selfless is often seen as a very positive thing, but when you’re constantly putting others before yourself it can end up taking a serious toll on your psyche. It’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes. It is your life, after all.

14. Learn how to cook!

Seriously, become an adult. You don’t have to do it very often but it makes life a lot easier and also makes you more appealing to potential mates.

15. Listen to a ton of podcasts.

Podcasts are the best thing about the 21st century, I think.

16. Give advice.

I often find I learn the most about myself when I’m trying to help someone else out. Don’t give unsolicited advice, though. That is rude an unappreciated. Also don’t tell anyone to definitely follow your advice, just offer it like breadcrumbs to duckies.

17. Share your stories/struggles/experiences.

When you trust someone and really connect with them, that’s when life really starts to get rewarding, and where friendships start to get super deep. One could argue that I tend to overshare, but I think oversharing and connecting with a bunch of people is a much better option than isolating myself.

18. Travel!

Go somewhere that is not where you are right now. It is fun sometimes and also it is sometimes terrible but then you have great stories.

19. Travel alone.

Like the above but way scarier and way more rewarding.

20. Finish something.

A crossword, school, a race, whatever. It feels good!

21. Quit something.

Sometimes things aren’t worth our time or energy. Quitting isn’t always a bad thing.

22. Live with too many people in a big house.

You’ll learn a lot about yourself, about other people, and you definitely won’t want to do this any later than your mid twenties cause it gets kind of annoying. Lots of good parties, though.

23. Let your heart get broken.

Yes, it’s a good learning experience, but more importantly, putting yourself out there enough that there is potential for your heart to be broken is a pretty beautiful thing to do.

24. Eat lots of good food.

The time is coming to love yourself in a way that perhaps you did not before. Eat what you want. Enjoy your life!

25. Fall in love with yourself.

This one is the hardest to accomplish and is definitely a work in progress for everyone, but I would definitely give it a shot. I have a level of confidence that I didn’t have when I was younger and this has made me start to really appreciate the kickass things about myself that I really cherish. If you can’t find those right now, that is so, so okay, but I promise, they are there, and you are most definitely worthy of your own love.


Hannah VS Modern Dating Volume II: Ghosting

A few months ago, I was wracked with a horrible feeling: was I a bad person? On a couple of occasions, if I found myself disinterested in a dating situation, I would just kind of… stop talking to the person. It’s not to say I would ignore them, but I wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way to continue the communication.

So, I did what any young millenial would do (if they were like me and morbidly curious about other people’s lives and also trying to write a blog about what it’s like to date in 2017): I surveyed my Facebook friends about ghosting. Who had ghosted? Who had been ghosted? What did they think about the phenomenon?

I got a lot of cool answers, which I will hopefully dedicate time to in another post, but out of the 25 or so people who responded, it was a pretty even split between ghosters and ghostees, with most people who responded acknowledging that they had done both. It didn’t seem to me that ghosting was seen as too much of a big deal to most people, however, it seems that almost everyone has a ghosting story. I’ve narrowed it down to three main forms of ghostage, and they are as follows:

Type 1: The Fade Away

Perhaps the gentlest of ghosts, although arguably the most confusing, the fadeaway is brought about by slowly diminishing replies to messages and offers to hang out. Phone calls are out. The “fadee” will receive the occasional reply to text messages, usually after 24 hours, and often with short, non-committal answers. Eventually, the answers will stop, however, the fadee has already been trained to not expect anything, and so, is no longer disappointed.

*Garfunkel and Oates are goddesses and definitely say it best, so I would check their song, about The Fade Away, which says it best.

Type 2: Breadcrumbing

One time, I was talking to a friend of mine about how things were going with a guy I was seeing. I explained things were good, he’d send a sweet message checking in every once in a while, but wouldn’t engage much, or pursue any plans to hang out. “He’s probably just busy” we agreed. A few minutes later, we were discussing how I had to explain what breadcrumbing was to another friend of ours. Realization and horror washed over both of our faces at the same time. I WAS BEING BREADCRUMBED. Ouch.

Cosmo argues that breadcrumbing is worse than ghosting. I disagree. However, there does seem to be a degree of premeditation with regard to breadcrumbing that there may not be with ghosting (one can often chalk a ghosting up to absentmindedness, or a busy schedule). The real kicker behind breadcrumbing is the MO- which is that they want to keep that person around in case they get bored/want to get laid at a future date. So you’re good enough to keep around, but just as a back up. That must feel good, right?

Type 3: The Full-Out Ghost

This one needs little explanation, because the ghoster offers no explanation. Poof. They gone. Outta there. They don’t call, don’t write, don’t explain themselves.

One thing that does deserve a bit of explanation is why people choose to ghost. In some cases, they are dumbos who are afraid of any kind of difficult conversation and can’t face potentially disappointing someone, even if it isn’t in person. OR. The ghoster may be reacting to something traumatic or upsetting that happened on a date or during a conversation. While I would argue it’s better practice to explain to someone what they did wrong, in case they had assumed it was a-okay or at least passably okay, and give them a chance to improve their behaviour on future occasions, sometimes things are just too intense/upsetting/scary/etc. for people to face. And so they ghost. So, before you get pissed that someone had the nerve to ghost you, perhaps consider how your behaviour may have led to the ghosting. They may have been a scaredy-cat jerk, or they may have been genuinely fearful of you.


The Nitty-Gritty:

  • I would argue that it does not count as ghosting if you have never met the person before, and they just, like, stop responding to you on Tinder. You are boring, or they are busy, no one owes anyone anything. I would say at least one date would have to have been planned or taken place in order for it to count as a ghost.
  • Don’t take it personally! Look over things and your behaviour, run the sitch over with your best friend or a customer at the coffee shop you work at (just kidding- maybe?) and if you’ve determined nothing fishy has transpired on your end- MOVE ON. It sucks, but it’s probably not about you. This person has some issues with communication and can’t get on your level, so find someone who can!
  • Everyone does it. If you’re a ghoster, cut yourself a little slack. I wouldn’t make it a habit, but I definitely wouldn’t beat yourself up about it too much. Chances are the person you’re ghosting has also ghosted someone else.
  • Communication is cool. Try it sometime.



The woman that I am

People don’t change. Especially lately, I’ve been particularly convinced of this as a fact. Fundamentally, I think, we end up the same as we started. The cool part, though, are all the twists, turns, heartaches, triumphs that help us to grow into more defined versions of ourselves.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. To some people, it might seem like a bit of a trap. To be confined to one specific identity is a terrifying idea. I agree with that. I think we can express as many identities as we could ever want. But because we made them, that is who we are. Without getting too philosophical, or introspective, that’s what I’ve been thinking about.

This year I went through a bit of an identity crisis. A lot of things in my life shifted and I was able to express myself in a lot of ways that I never had before. I felt like I was finally myself, without layers of insecurity and anxiety keeping me from full freedom of expression. It felt really good. But those parts of me were still there, just taking a bit of a backseat, while I learned to fall in love with those parts of myself that I had tucked away for a little while.

I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with this. I guess I just feel like I’ve felt the entire rainbow of human emotion over the last 365 days, and though I’ve learned a lot, I think I’m still the same.

I felt pain like I’ve never felt before. That ripping, excruciating, physical pain of heartbreak that I had read about was real. You’d think a pain like that would change you, but I really don’t think it did.

Am I stronger? Not yet, I don’t think. Because I can still feel the scar throbbing, still feel the panic that there might be more pain, lurking around the corner. It disturbs me that I can’t trust the way I used to. But I think trust is a learned behaviour. It’s not ingrained in us. Not the way that love is.

So that’s how I’m seeing it. I am not weak, but I feel weak. I am not broken, but I feel broken. I am still the bubbly, exciting girl I met within myself this summer. I am still the anxious, shy woman who can’t quite figure out how to convince herself she is worth people’s time. I am still the empathetic person who believes the best in everyone. I can still love with the full force of my being, despite the fact that I’ve been hurt.

That’s who I am, I guess. Not just that, of course. But that’s the general idea.

You can only be as okay as you actually are.

I spent a lot of time chastising myself for feeling the wrong way.

“This is ridiculous, you’re overreacting.”

“You said, it was okay, so you really have no reason to be upset.”

“You’re not getting anything done feeling this way, grow up and act like a fucking adult.”

The voices in my head are not very kind. I imagine, it’s that way for a scary number of people. Lately, I’ve been really trying to grin through some tough times and be okay. And sometimes, I am. I can laugh and enjoy being around people and feel good about myself, but that doesn’t last, and when those feelings drop into self-loathing, insecurity, depression and anxiety, I have a lot of trouble being kind to myself for switching off. If I was fine yesterday, I should be fine today.

I think I’m starting to come to terms about how unrealistic that is. I put on a brave face while talking myself down all the time, but I’m starting to think that’s not so healthy.Well, I know it’s not healthy, but I think I might try doing something about it.

I also feel guilty, because this blog has had a lot of negativity to it lately, and I feel like that gives off the wrong impression of who I am, or that I’m looking for attention or people to check on me. I put my feelings out there because I know I can connect with other people. Having something resonate to someone in a deep way is a huge deal for me. And if it’s negative? I must continue to tell myself “so what?”, hard though it may be to hear. I’m in a bad place, maybe other people who are also in a bad place can find comfort in that. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to anymore.

It’s hard this time of year because there’s a lot to be done. School, work, Christmas, but I think acknowledging my pain, and almost embracing it, might be the only way to get through it all.

I’m not okay, so I guess maybe I’ll stop saying I am.

A very bad day: follow up

Okay. I am sad. But I have a lot of great things and people in my life. A short list of bright patches on this yucky day:

  • Friends who are there for you at 3 in the morning and buy you breakfast the next day.
  • Friends who let you bother them at work and cry on their shoulder.
  • Friends who offer to carry your groceries for you cause your hand is a mess.
  • Friends you didn’t know were your friends until you spend time with them.
  • Friends who get it, and get you.
  • Friends who invite you for much needed trips.
  • Friends who text you in seconds flat after seeing your whiny blog post.

Basically I’m #blessed to have so many kickass friends in this world. You’re the reason why I’m here. Love you.

A very bad day

I try to keep the tone of my blog posts light. I have a sense of humour and I can see how different situations can be funny, how I can spin them and make them something positive or quirky. This is easy, most of the time, because I feel that the things that happen to me are amusing, or charming, or at least the kind of tragic that makes people groan and say “me too!”

I can’ really do that right now. I feel like the more I try to stay upbeat the worse the world knocks me down. I used to love school. I used to love my job. I used to feel safe and secure and that I knew you and I knew where I stood. I don’t anymore. I can’t bring myself to laugh right now.

I hate seeing my friends feel this way too. It’s not fair. They make this world too hard for us.

I’m just so, so tired, and so, so sad.

Writer’s block

I’m feeling very stuck. Usually when I’m sad, or down, I’ve been able to put pen to paper, so to speak, and write my feelings away. Every time I sit down to write, though, I seem to draw up a blank. Or I write pages and pages of nonsense that won’t serve anyone to read. Therapeutic for me to get out, perhaps, but I think it might have people far too concerned for my sanity than they need to be.

So here I sit, thinking about all the things I would say if I could, what I would talk about. I’d talk about how I’m not very happy right now. I’m feeling stuck in my writing, but I think it’s because I’m stuck in my life. I feel like at this moment there is no room for any forward motion for me right now, and that is not a state that I enjoy being in. I’m a planner, I like to work toward goals, have plans of action, have dreams. I feel like those have come to a halt for the moment and my body, my brain, which are conditioned to be moving forward have stopped like feet in freshly poured cement.

There’s an end to some of this, there has to be or I would entirely lose my mind. I’ve figured out what I have the power to change and have taken action to change them. That just needs time. A few months and that part of my life will be moving again.

Some parts won’t though. Some parts will probably be up in the air for a very long time. I’m not sure how long I can manage to make that work without cracking. Most of the time it seems beyond worth it. What’s a matter of a couple of years in the grand scheme of life? Won’t I look back on this time and remember how silly and small I felt, and be so glad that I waited? But another part of me, the part that wins over on sad grey days like this one, make me think that there may never be a conclusion. I don’t know how to deal with this but I do know that it’s far too soon to make any kind of decision yet, so here I sit, my brain a flurry of strange and scary and exciting and wonderful thoughts, and nothing to channel this energy into.

There’s no right answer. I get a lot of disapproving stares and words of concern. I get support and knowing nods. But they don’t know. They aren’t there for every whispered secret, every slow dance, every small act of kindness. They don’t see how nobody else has ever known me so well.

I just want to fly above my life for a little bit. It’s too much for me right now.

Keep It Canada with Matty Matheson

Nic and I love food and recently I started watching food videos on Youtube with him before we go to bed. He introduced me to Munchies which is the food segment of Vice and here, we stumbled upon a glorious Canadian man by the name of Matty Matheson.

Toronto Life wrote a cool piece on Matty which you can view here! Born in New Brunswick and runs three restaurants in Toronto, Matty is the epitome of a fucking cool man. He gives no shit, lives life to the fullest and has a potty mouth that is incredible entertaining. With all of that, watching his Munchies videos on Youtube has given me life and appreciation for Canada as a whole like no other. Once a wild party man, Matty suffered a heart attack at the age of 29 and I believe that was an eye opener for him to get his life and cooking career in order.

On Munchies, he has two playlists which are his How-To and Keep It Canada segments. They’re absolutely hilarious, entertaining and well paced. Matty has an insane dose of energy and that energy reflects in each video and of course, the food he makes. What makes me respect and love this man even more is that he made a couple of Lord of The Rings references in a few Keep It Canada videos!!

Here are some of my favourites from both playlists,

So to you my bright readers, Canadians and non-Canadians, I summon you to watch every single video of Matty Matheson and be awed of his presence, language, style and culinary technique.

Things 15 Year Old Me Never Thought I’d Have To Deal With As An Adult

  • Figuring out which wifi network to join.
  • Watching your parents age.
  • Learning your parents are people with lives before you, and personalities that might not always fit your definition of “right”
  • Thinking about what life will be like after your parents die.
  • Co-ops.
  • Remembering to empty the recycling.
  • Dealing with people you love leaving you, and your feelings for them never being resolved.
  • Dealing with the fact that some people wake up at 80 at still aren’t happy and realize they’ve wasted all this time.
  • Remembering not to waste my time.
  • Scrambling for money.
  • Having to clean up someone’s puke with my hands at 12am because the bar back is busy and I spotted it first anyway.

Vancouver, Snow, March – Huh?

It snowed in March!!! Here are some pictures of SFU on a snowy March day.

A very unexpected time for Vancouver’s winter this season as we have seen more snow in over a couple of years. I’m very fortunate enough to experience so much snow in my life ever! Coming from Brunei where it’s just heat and rain, getting the opportunity to live and play in the snow was super fun at the beginning but it slowly became a hassle as commuting between home and campuses became difficult as buses would get stuck in the snow! There were several times where classes were cancelled as buses were not able to drive up to the mountain as road conditions became too slippery and dangerous.

Nonetheless, I still love the snow (only when it’s fluffy and fresh!).

Breitbart: A Reputable or Treacherous News Network?

By John Luu
February 28, 2017
954 words

If we, users of the Internet, were to accept everything we read online as facts, then there would be a widespread of fear and confusion. To combat this, users can use media literacy to tackle “massive information literacy problems [such as] … fake news, misinformation, disinformation, and other types of spin” (Caulfield, 2016, para. 7). Polarized news sources that are based on political perspectives can provide opportunities for Internet users to exercise their media literacy skills to determine if it is a reliable source of news or not. Breitbart is a good example of a notorious and influential right-wing conservative news outlet that is heavily producing bias content and thus have implications on youth’s political opinions.

Firstly, Breitbart news appeals to the conservative publics. Its main website allow like-minded users to contribute political news and opinion articles, which are often bias. It can also allow for the “production and circulation of discourses, … and debating and deliberating” (Fraser, 1990, pg. 57) of opinions. Breitbart provides this public with a possibility to engage and participate in commentary through its comments section. Since this site is intended for right-wings, the vast sea of comments are clearly echoes of conservatism. In figure 1 and 2, users America is Great Again and DiscusstedConservative shares their right-wing political beliefs in the comments section and their usernames plainly points out their political views as well. There are even the upvotes for these comments, which suggests that more people agree with their comments.


Figure 1: Article comments. Screenshot taken from www.breitbart.com


Figure 2: Article comments. Screenshot taken from www.breitbart.com


Furthermore, other comments reinforce that Breitbart has a large following of conservatives that remind us of their traditional values.



Figure 3: Article comment on traditional values. Screenshot taken from www.breitbart.com


Breitbart’s merchandise also blatantly illustrates their support and promotion of Republican views. Figure 4 shows of a t-shirt with a border wall logo that references Trump’s wall plans and the mug in figure 5 depicts a rhino behind a target scope, suggesting that democrats are a “scourge upon the Republic” (Breitbart Store, 2017) which points to a bias political opinion.


Figure 4: Border Wall Breitbart Tee Shirt. Screenshot taken from https://store.breitbart.com/collections/all-products/products/border-wall-t-shirt


Figure 5: Breitbart Mug. Screenshot taken from https://store.breitbart.com/collections/all-products/products/rino-hunter-jumbo-coffee-cup


In addition to their publics engagement through the comments section, Breitbart News Network creates sensationalized headlines that attracts attention and fear.


The titles of Breitbart articles is arguably sensational and misleading, which can insinuate fear amongst its audiences. For example, an article titled Report: Social Media is Driving Americans ‘Insane’ (Nash, 2017), is blaming social media as a detriment to Americans. The argument of this article is based solely on one external source (Nash, 2017), which limits the credibility of Nash’s article. Also, Breitbart News website is designed to capitalize the letters article headlines, which can project an alarmist tone to readers. Before concluding his article, he mentions that “left-wing media was largely responsible for the public distress following Trump’s win” (Nash, 2017, para. 7). Upon further investigations of Charlie Nash, the young tech reporter is found with bias opinions on Liberals and the offensive use of a gunman for his tweets on his Twitter account. With the conjunction of Nash’s online activity and opinions, is it evident that his content can be seen as bias towards a certain political ideology.


Figure 6: Charlie Nash’s Retweet Showcasing Dislike for Liberal Ideologies. Screenshot taken from https://twitter.com/tciccotta/status/836098983135166468


Figure 7: Nash’s Tweet With Use of Elliot Rodgers, Murderer and Misogynist. Screenshot taken from https://twitter.com/MrNashington/status/833495979219415040


Referring back to his article, he claims that social media is a problem. This can ignite fear mongering amongst Breitbart readers/visitors and may believe that social media is actually affecting Americans. These types of “fearful headlines draw people in by capitalizing on their concerns and anxieties” (Boyd, 2012a, para. 3) that can shape opinions based on insufficient or incorrect information. Overall, Nash’s contributions to Breitbart faces an ideological trap of technological determinism. As Watson (2016) explains technological determinism, it can be applied to Nash’s content which it is presented through a deterministic stance, believing that technology determines human behaviour and ignoring the “subtle investigations of use and adoption practices.” Through the use of fear as an attention-grabbing tactic, Breitbart News can influence teen opinions.


With the rapid rise of teens as digital natives, bias online news outlets affect teen’s political education. For teens, the networked public is their new playground for social interaction and a participatory culture of generating and posting content to be seen (Boyd, 2014b, pg. 206). Some teens even actively follow politics and transcribe their political opinions into their networked publics (Boyd, 2014b, pg. 206). However, with questionable and unreliable news source such as Breitbart on the rise, the spread of misinformation can persuade teens into misleading advocation. For example, teens may jump on the bandwagon of the ‘Men’s Rights Activism” simply because a conservative news outlet promotes it or that it appears edgy to defy ‘political correctness’ (Hadfield, 2016). With such a large following, Breitbart has no issues spreading their opinions.



Ultimately, Breitbart News is a immense and proliferating bias news sources that favours the conservative ideology, which has a negative impacts on adolescents. However, news cannot be fully objective, because there will be varying levels of bias in every news. Personally, Breitbart News is an appalling news outlet that are more anti-liberal than their proclaimed conservative stance. On the contrary, one might disagree and support Breitbart’s opinions; which by all means, their gaudy merchandise can be found and purchased through their blaring advertisement on the homepage.



Boyd, D. (2012a). The Ethics of Fear and How It Undermines an Informed Citizenry. Retrieved from http://www.poynter.org/2012/fear-undermines-an-informed-citizenry-as-media-struggles-with-attention-economy/192509/

Boyd, D. (2014b). It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens. New Haven and London: Yale University Press.

Caulfield, M. (2016). Yes, Digital Literacy. But Which One? Retrieved from https://hapgood.us/2016/12/19/yes-digital-literacy-but-which-one/

Fraser, N. (1990). Rethinking the Public Sphere: A Contribution to the Critique of Actually Existing Democracy. Durham, NC: Duke University Press.

Hadfield, J. (2016). The Men’s Rights Movement: A Smart, Necessary Counterweight to Man-Hating Feminism. Retrieved from http://www.breitbart.com/tech/2016/08/02/mens-rights-counterweight-feminism/

Nash, C. (2017). Report: Social Media is Driving Americans ‘Insane’. Retrieved from http://www.breitbart.com/tech/2017/02/24/report-social-media-driving-americans-insane/

Watson, S. (2016). Toward a Constructive Technology Criticism. Retrieved from http://www.cjr.org/tow_center_reports/constructive_technology_criticism.php


Process Post: Revamping my image.

Since reading my 2nd peer review, a lot has changed in my life in relevance to adulting. I lost my glasses which is -1 adult point, but also found a place to live and move out to, which is +4. I got a minor raise at work for my social media use which is +2, but I haven’t been feeling very creative about it which is maybe a -0.5. A lot of changes are about to happen but one thing that has been supremely constant this whole semester, is that I haven’t had any relationship progress. I went on two dates with this guy I’d been seeing before I went travelling in 2016, and the first date was to check in and see where we were at. The second, was me trying to give him a hint that maybe this wasn’t for us. He’s in India right now and hasn’t texted me since that second date so I’m thinking he got the message.

In the mean time, I’m still where I’ve been since I started this whole thing. Serving at the pub, trying to do school work and blowing through a season of the West Wing every week and a half. And pining over my ex. Sort of.

They say never shit where you eat, but apparently I .love shit, because every relationship I’ve ever had has been with someone I’ve worked with. That’s three relationships, and three jobs. The first time he moved away. The second time he quit before we broke up. Now I’m not so lucky. My ex has worked for the group that owns our pub for five years. He’s got a hundred connections in the industry. I’ve worked here for just over a year and although I am moving up and getting my networking done, he’s a million steps ahead. Chances of him quitting any time soon are not likely. So I see him almost everyday, and it’s fine. We get along swimmingly, which is exactly the problem. The reason we broke up isn’t because we didn’t get along. It’s because we weren’t getting it on. Enough for him, in any case. When it first ended I did my whole play the victim thing, “Oh, how could we break up over such a dumb reason”. But the truth is, I hadn’t been feeling too attracted to him towards the end of it and had considered breaking up at times as well. But we were so in sync that I didn’t really want to try.

We’ve hooked up a handful of times since that initial breakup and now it’s been almost 7 months since our last one, but I still stay over at his house from time to time just to crash if I’m working late so I don’t have to take a $60 cab over the Alex Fraser back to where I live. In a month this won’t be an issue anymore because I’ll have moved closer to work than where even he lives, so no more “oh I missed the last train, mind if I crash?” excuses for me. I’m not in love with him. But I feel a lot of affection towards him still and I like being around him. When you work with someone like that, who you think also feels the same way but isn’t going to do anything about it, how are you supposed to move on? There are days when I think about quitting but for the most part I like my job and it’s perk and the $250 tip nights. Recently we had lunch and he talked to me about maybe moving to Toronto to work at the group’s expansion of pubs out there. I told him I didn’t think he should do it for a number of reasons, his schooling, his family, and how he’s told me numerous times he doesn’t want to work in the industry forever. But if he did move, wouldn’t it be easier? Of course I would miss him, but if he left then I wouldn’t have to see him all the time. I wouldn’t feel like I’m constantly torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to laugh this whole thing off. We only dated for six months, and they were great, but six months in is pretty early to not want to be having sex with your partner anymore. Isn’t it?

Regardless, it’s an issue I’m dealing with. Sometimes I tell myself I don’t care but the reality is that I get jealous so easily I can barely function and I need/want his attention all the time. Which I feel like is the equivalent of -100 adult points. So what I’m changing about my blog, for this process post, is it’s image. This isn’t a dating blog. It’s a personal blog. Despite my insistence that that personal blogs are crazy boring, I’ve already turned this into one and so by changing the design, the feel, and a little bit of my life anyway, I’ll steer it towards what it’s been all along. A blog about not-romancing. A blog about me.