Tag Archives: love

Writer’s block

I’m feeling very stuck. Usually when I’m sad, or down, I’ve been able to put pen to paper, so to speak, and write my feelings away. Every time I sit down to write, though, I seem to draw up a blank. Or I write pages and pages of nonsense that won’t serve anyone to read. Therapeutic for me to get out, perhaps, but I think it might have people far too concerned for my sanity than they need to be.

So here I sit, thinking about all the things I would say if I could, what I would talk about. I’d talk about how I’m not very happy right now. I’m feeling stuck in my writing, but I think it’s because I’m stuck in my life. I feel like at this moment there is no room for any forward motion for me right now, and that is not a state that I enjoy being in. I’m a planner, I like to work toward goals, have plans of action, have dreams. I feel like those have come to a halt for the moment and my body, my brain, which are conditioned to be moving forward have stopped like feet in freshly poured cement.

There’s an end to some of this, there has to be or I would entirely lose my mind. I’ve figured out what I have the power to change and have taken action to change them. That just needs time. A few months and that part of my life will be moving again.

Some parts won’t though. Some parts will probably be up in the air for a very long time. I’m not sure how long I can manage to make that work without cracking. Most of the time it seems beyond worth it. What’s a matter of a couple of years in the grand scheme of life? Won’t I look back on this time and remember how silly and small I felt, and be so glad that I waited? But another part of me, the part that wins over on sad grey days like this one, make me think that there may never be a conclusion. I don’t know how to deal with this but I do know that it’s far too soon to make any kind of decision yet, so here I sit, my brain a flurry of strange and scary and exciting and wonderful thoughts, and nothing to channel this energy into.

There’s no right answer. I get a lot of disapproving stares and words of concern. I get support and knowing nods. But they don’t know. They aren’t there for every whispered secret, every slow dance, every small act of kindness. They don’t see how nobody else has ever known me so well.

I just want to fly above my life for a little bit. It’s too much for me right now.

Process Post #4 – My Audience

My audience is something that is already sacred to me. I picture my audience as people who need softness and a little extra love in their lives. I picture my audience as the me that I lived as for so long. The quiet, lonely girl who needed a little extra self love, but couldn’t recognize it yet. I also see the girl who loved to play with makeup, but couldn’t find a way to express it. With Makeup Your Mind, I want to foster a safe place for my audience to be unapologetically happy.

I’ve started doing this in my design with soft colours, like the main type being in a soft grey instead of black. I find this softness to be less assaulting than black, and I also aim to keep the colours minimal, so I don’t overwhelm. I also show this softness in the site title, the thin cursive implies softness. As of now, my post headers are still quite bold, but I plan to change that.

I also picture my audience as unpredictable though, I don’t know exactly who’s going to stumble upon my little slice of internet, so I’m doing my best not to alienate anybody. I have thought long and hard, and yes, I do have an audience that I want to reach. The whole point of my blog though is to invite and foster happiness, so my goal audience goes beyond what I picture in my head, and extends to anybody who wants to play with makeup or wants some self care tips, and some extra love.

Mind Map

I am an artist

As a son, friend, and brother

I try and look for new perspectives and optimism

I am openminded

Listening to the people

and deconstructing the problematic flaws in our society

I am a student

compelled to question my own authority

looking for “good” teacher’s

I am courageous

Fighting for equality and proper education

I am human.

 

girl

“I’m sorry.”

With that, she walked into the rain.

She didn’t look back.

That was the last time anyone saw her.

The town was full of rumours after her disappearance – as if they could make sense of what had happened that horrid night.

Some believed she was abducted by aliens.

Other’s thought she ran away to join the circus.

Yet, they weren’t even close to the truth.

The truth was much darker than any of the simple-minded townsfolk could ever come up with.

To this day, her scarred face was imprinted in my brain, as she looked at me with pity and despair.

I only wished the spirits were taking care of her, of the girl I loved.

6 Friends That Every Twenty-Something Definitely Has

1. The Party Friend

Everyone likes the party friend. They’re always ready to hang out and will dismiss sleep, work and responsibility in order to get down with you. They’re the one screaming at you to do shots, introducing you to hot people, and generally trying to bust you out of your shell.  This friend is great because they’ll get you out of your pajamas, out of the house, and maybe even get you to have a great time. Negatives are that you’ve carried them home on your shoulders more times than you would like to count, and they tend to disappear on particularly messy nights.

2. The Older, Wiser One

This friend has seen some shit. They’re there to watch you try, fail, and fall flat on your face, but you better believe they will coach you through your pain better than anyone else you know. They’ll step right in when the moment is right, and offer you sage advice that would never occur to your young little brain. Most of their stories start with: “Something like that happened to me once…”

3. The Long Distance Bestie

This friend will be your best friend whether they’re 3 or 3 000 kilometres away. When you actually get around to messaging one another, it usually includes: [I misssssss you ♥♥♥] or similar iterations, but you know you’re both very busy and important people and both of your hearts are in it. When this person comes to visit, everything else SHUTS DOWN and they become your life. This friend is not great to drunk text at midnight when you are in different time zones, but is handy to have around when you need a couch to crash on in varying cities!

4. The Younger One

It’s very important to keep a younger friend around to:

  • keep you hip to the newest slang
  • show you cool memes
  • remind you that you are an adult and you can’t drink 9 Hey Y’alls and feel okay the next day
  • make you feel very wise and intelligent (for you are their Older, Wiser Friend)

5. The Decades of Friendship Best Pal

Most people only get one True Blue friend like this one. If you’re lucky, you might have two, or even a handful. This friend knows every. embarrassing. story. that could ever be used against you, along with a vast arsenal of photographs that could most certainly dissuade any suitor from ever engaging with you, were it placed in the wrong hands. This person is your best friend. They’ll be there for you no matter what. You’ve probably had massive fights in the past, but you know that making it through stuff like that has only made your friendship stronger and better. This one will be in your life forever, whether you like it or not, so you should probably get used to it.

6. The One That’s Probably Too Cool for You

This friend hangs out with you even though they’re probably too cool for you. You get to go to cool events with them and pretend like you’re on their level. You’re not, and this is obvious, but it’s pretty nice of them to have invited you in the first place.  This friend is worldly, well-dressed, and has an impressive vocabulary. You may strive to be like this person, but you probably never will. The Cool Friend is very good for your personal self-image, but they probably just like spending time with you, cause maybe you’re cooler than you think.

 

 

Memory Lane

“Sometimes I catch myself. Doing things I’m not allowed to do anymore.

You’re kind of hard to let go of.”

 

Inspired by certain new friends I have decided to take a trip down memory lane and explore my youthful brain and its thoughts and feelings.

I anticipated being embarrassed by my usage of short sentences and overly floral language, however, I am struck now by how beautifully articulate I had the capacity to be. Even when I had emotions surging through me that I couldn’t comprehend, I managed to capture those feelings in a blog post and feel them almost as richly now.

It’s hard to read about my struggles through theatre school. I had a lot of very high highs and deep, deep lows, but I ended up learning so much about myself and making such beautiful friendships that I wouldn’t change it for the world. The hardest part is reading about people who are no longer here. That part burns in the bottom of my stomach.

The wildest part was reading myself falling in love. This is difficult but so beautiful to rediscover.
One of my very favourite posts reads like this:

“It is spring and love is in the air.

I fall in love with a lot of people, and quite easily.

The boy with the gigantic brown eyes that I think can see inside my soul. The girl with the blue hair who calls me dear. My new friend who says I seem like a writer, which thrilled me and made me want to be one.

I fall in love a lot, but it keeps happening with the same person. And I think that’s kind of cool.”

 

Currently listening to music I listened to then and just about bursting with the desire to live my life the way I did. I can and I will.

“He is just a Friend”

This story was shared by one of my barista friend. I rewrote it in my way. 

 

I was working on that day. During my break, I received his message saying that he was going to drop by later. My heart started to race up. I told my colleagues that instead of serving customers, I would prefer to stay in kitchen. I did not know how to treat him as an ordinary customer.

I forced myself to focus on cleaning dishes or on preparing foods but I could not focus. My eyes were waiting for his smile. My ears were waiting for his voices. I was sure that each of my cell in my body was waiting for his arrival.

As soon as I saw him entered the cafe, I started to blush.

Without saying anything, he just nodded to me and sat at the bar straightly.

My colleague turned to me. I could see a lot of question marks in their eyes.

“He is my friend. He is here waiting for me to have dinner later.” I explained.

My colleagues grinned at me. Obviously, this answer did not satisfy them. I knew that they would definitely ask me more about this guy next time. The life in a cafe was too peaceful. We were eager for gossips, stories, dramas and more.

But what can I tell them? He truly is a friend. A “friend”. A friend I should not fall in love with.

 

When we were having dinner, he asked me: “how did you introduce me to your colleague?”

“A friend. ” I said. “What else can I say?”

“To be honest, I did not know how to introduce you. I did know what we are. Our relationship is special for me.” He said.

Yes, I understand. We are friends but we had sex. We are friends with benefits but we involved feelings. We are not in a relationship but we sometimes cook together, have dinner together, go grocery shopping together or watch movie together.

We blurred the line. We erased the label. We ignored the abnormality.

“Just say friend.” I replied. “I appreciated the one who invented the word friend. It could cover a lot. If you don’t want to explain, you could just say that s/he is a friend.”

Then we fell in silence.

 

 

Surprisingly, our “friendship” still lasts till now. We do not know if this is right or wrong and we do not want to think about where we are going in the future. Perhaps, we would end up with not talking anymore with each other like other couples, but I will always remember the day he visited me at the cafe. I will always remember that we were once happy together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Single’s Awareness Day

I’ve had this countdown on the front page of my blog for the past few weeks, counting down to Valentine’s Day, or as I sometimes call it, “Single’s awareness day”. Despite some bitterness over this title, I usually really enjoy valentine’s day. I like dressing up for it, looking cute, knowing that today more than others people are thinking about their significant other and maybe doing something special for them. This Valentine’s day however, was my first one in three years without a valentine.

I can remember my last three valentine’s exactly. Last year I was on Mt. Washington in Nanaimo with my then boyfriend, Elliott. He bought me snowboarding lessons for Valentine’s day and we had an overall pretty great time hanging out with him and his friends.

The year before I had just started seeing Nate, a guy I had classes with at Langara, and we were at my place hanging out and also doing edibles for the first time. Hella romantic.

The year prior was my first ever year with a Valentine- I was at my first boyfriend Keenan’s house and he made us dinner and then chocolate fondue. Super cheesy, and a very new type of Valentine’s day for me. Some shit went down that night that almost ended our relationship, but we worked it out and were together for almost a year, my longest relationship to date.

All three of my past relationships have started roughly around the same time. New year, new person to date. This year being the exception, I was a little mopey over the fact, although not as much as I would normally be considering I have a lot more going on right now in my life and it’s working as a pretty good distraction for the time being. Never the less, I made an angsty post on my Tumblr account.

Super mature.

I ended up making plans for the day with one of my best friends, Desiree. We hadn’t hung out in a little while and she didn’t have plans. So I headed over there around 4pm. She lives a few minutes away from Commercial Drive, one of my favourite neighbourhoods, and I listened to music as I turned right at the JJ Bean and headed up the hill to her house. On the front porch I knocked on the door as well as texted her, since she shares the house with several other people. Peering through the window, I saw something on the floor. The following ensued:

She had made me dinner and essentially covered the whole place in rose petals. Never in my life have I been so seduced, and here it is, plain as day, by my best friend. We ended up doing facemasks and watching this terrible 90s romcom called “The Wedding Date” which is a movie about a woman who hires a male escort to come with her to her sister’s wedding to make her ex-fiancee jealous. 10% on rotten tomatoes, but it was worth every second to me.

Desiree had seen my Tumblr post and decided to make the day go above and beyond for me. Just another example of how friends are the best thing in the world, and sometimes guys aren’t worth shit if you’ve got someone who will cook you steak and buy you piles of Nutella-To-Go for you to snack on. I love my friends and it definitely makes this whole “not in a relationship” thing worth it sometimes.